My dead husband was not a good man.

I wrote this in another thread and was asked to post this. This is the first time I have ever said this out loud. Yes I’m hurting, but I’m not sad that he is gone. I’m not the type of girl to be happy at another person’s demise, but I am relieved. <br><br>He died suddenly in an accident, so I was caught off guard. I thought I was over him and his dead had very little affect on me. I can’t tell anyone this because they love him. He was a good person to them. They don’t know how he treated me when the door shut. I didn’t know how to feel that he was gone. I had no feelings for him at all, and I didn’t care that he was gone. <br><br>A few days after his death I realized that I wasn’t hurt by his death, because I was already dead to him. He was dead to me. <br><br>He used to make fun of my looks. Call me a prairie dog and other names like that. I was stupid this and that. I got in a car accident and had brain injury, but he said it was fake to get attention. He didn’t think I had a head injury. He didn’t care when I had seizures or blacked out. <br><br>I tried to divorce him, but he threatened to kill himself. I stayed because I thought it was my fault he was so mean to me. I can’t explain why I stayed for 10 years. I think I just wanted it to work out. <br><br>When he died, I was surprised that I wasn’t upset. You always here that your husband is your best friend. I don’t know what that feels like. I was more of his useful slave than friend. He was abusive, but I didn’t see that at first. I loved him for a very long time. Like 15 years. But in the last 5 years of his life he became mean. I should have left him. Looking back, it makes sense. But I just stayed because he said he was sorry. He didn’t hit me, pull my hair or throw things at me. He just said things that hurt the same way. I think him being dead is better than being mean to me everyday. I miss having someone around, because he never did anything with me. I’m glad he doesn’t insult me. That changes everything. I’m glad he is dead because he can’t hurt me anymore. I miss a husband I never had.