My boyfriend (28M) died by suicide a year ago and I (28F) am starting to feel like it’s my fault that he’s dead. What can I do to cope?

I’ve thought about this a lot and I think my best bet is to go to therapy. I was in therapy for 2 months after he died but I stopped after getting back with my ex. I need to stop blaming myself for his death. I’m just still so fucking angry that he killed himself. He was the love of my life and I can’t see myself with anyone else ever. I’m angry with God for letting this happen. I don’t know if I believe in God right now. <br> <br>I’m angry with myself for not making the time to spend with him in the months leading up to his death. I was very busy with work and so was he. <br><br>I’m angry with myself for putting my career above him in the months before his death. <br><br>I’m angry with myself for not realizing he had depression. I did everything right (made time for him, made myself available to talk, helped him with errands, cooked for him regularly etc) up until a few months before he died. I got very busy with work and didn’t realize how much it was bothering him. His mental health took a deep decline the last month of his life. <br><br>I’m angry with myself for not fighting to get him back when he broke up with me. I need therapy to deal with this and everything else. <br> <br>I’m angry with myself for not making the time to look much better and be more available for sex. We had sex 2x a week. I didn’t realize he wanted to have sex more frequently. I don’t think I could have taken on more and I didn’t realize he wanted more. It makes me feel so fucking unattractive. I’ve lost so much weight and I’m dreading dating again. I feel like I let him down and I don’t think I can date anybody else again. He was perfect for me.<br><br>I’m angry with myself for telling him I couldn’t wait to see him. He was going to see his family the weekend he died. I thought he was going to come back so I told him I couldn’t wait to see him. I feel so fucking stupid. I thought he was coming back. I thought we were going to get back together. I thought we had another chance. He ended up killing himself the day I told him I couldn’t wait to see him again. <br><br>Btw I am open to all advice and any suggestions you might have. I am currently in a relationship with my ex boyfriend but everything just feels so fucking different. He is not my love and I am just with him because I am angry at God and don’t know what to do. <br><br>In a nutshell, I feel he was the love of my life and I still love him. I’m angry at God for letting him die and everything else. I am a Christian and until his death, I had a strong faith. I need therapy. I don’t know what else to say. I am feeling so much pain and anger and I don’t know how to go on living without him. He was my soulmate. He was my world. Most of my free time was with him. <br><br>UPDATE: I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist who specializes in grief and anger and depression. His first available appointment is in 2 weeks. In the mean time, I’m going to find someone to shadow. I think I need a change in career. I love my job but sitting at my desk is so fucking lonely and boring. I think I need a job where I can shadow people and talk to people. I don’t know what that would be but I’m going to find someone to shadow and see if it’s for me. <br><br>Thanks for all the comments so far. I am going to read them and respond tonight! I was in a meeting all morning and then I was feeling really sick so I had to take a nap. I am feeling a little better now. I am going to reread all your comments and respond to them tonight! <br><br>UPDATE 2: Wow thank you to the hundreds of people who have reached out to me via dm and comment. I am overwhelmed with the support. Unfortunately, the first available appointment with the psychiatrist isn’t until 2 weeks. Until then, I am planning to shadow people. I am planning to shadow physical therapy tomorrow and I plan on shadowing dental school on Friday. I know it’s not the best timeline but it’s better than nothing.<br><br>Funny story, I am very uncoordinated and I fell down and shattered my knee on the concrete floor at work. I got a weird injury and my leg looks like I have a huge fat bubble on my knee. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow so hopefully they can pop it for me. I’m in a lot of pain even though I took a Percocet which makes me feel very drowsy. I am going to reread all your comments and respond to them tonight! <br><br>UPDATE 3: I just learned that a dear friend of mine from college killed himself last night. This is the 3rd person I know who has died by suicide. My mental health is in shambles. I am feeling extremely depressed and suicidal and I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know why God keeps taking people from me. He was a dear friend and I love him and his wife (who is now his widow) and children. I am feeling extremely suicidal and I don’t know how to cope. I am going to my appointment right now and I am seeing my psychologist for the 2nd time. <br> <br>UPDATE 4: I am withdrawing from my job and I have started therapy sessions with my old therapist. I am feeling really overwhelmed and I’m feeling like I need to take a break from work and everything. My mental health is in shambles and the only thing I can think about is killing myself. I don’t know how to cope. I am in a very dark place and I am feeling extremely suicidal and depressed. I am feeling like I am going to lose everything in my life. I am feeling very confused and anxious about everything in my life and I don’t know how to cope. I’m going to take some time off and regenerate myself spiritually, physically, and mentally. I don’t know what else to do.