Do you realize that old men die every day?

I went to bed with my girlfriend (24f) last night and woke up to her holding my hand and telling me that she had a bad dream and wanted reassurance. I kept her company for maybe 5 minutes, and in that time I fell asleep. I like to think that it was because of the alcohol I had earlier that day, but really it’s because I’m a lazy piece of shit. I was so tired, I could barely keep my eyes open. I just remember my girlfriend being confused about what was happening and then I fell into a deep sleep. I woke up this morning and started making breakfast, and I haven’t stopped moving since. I went to work, I played basketball, I worked out, and I cleaned. Tomorrow is my day off and I have a lot of chores to do, so I needed to not waste it. <br><br>I went to the grocery store and grabbed what I needed to cook dinner, and then mr. sandman called me to sleep again. I have been in the gym for a cumulative 3 hours today and I’m not even tired. I realize now that old men die every day. My grandfather lived into his 80s. He was a lazy piece of shit as well. He worked a lot when he was younger, but in his later years we could barely get him out of bed. Now he’s dead. My father is still alive and kicking, but he works in an office. His health is below par, but he’s not that old yet (50s). My mother is a fucking machine and I don’t know what to say about her. <br><br>I lost my uncle 8 years ago, and a close friend 4 years ago. Both to heart issues. I just want to say that I’m tired, and I don’t mean physically. I’m tired of not being able to spend time with my girlfriend. I’m tired of hurting the people that I care about by wasting their time. I’m tired of feeling like I’m on autopilot, and saying and doing things that I would never normally do. I’m tired of feeling like I’m on the verge of dying at any second. <br><br>I’m tired and want to die. <br><br>Edit: I don’t mean that I want to die, but I don’t know how to end the post properly other than to say that I’m fucking tired and wish that I didn’t have to live in a world where I feel like I’m on autopilot and I’m not making decisions for myself. I can’t explain it properly.