I took a pregnancy test and I'm 100% sure it's going to be positive.

I hadn't had sex in months without a condom, so the fact that I find myself here right now is so so confusing. I've had sex without a condom twice in my life, and I'm 100% positive I'm pregnant after one of them. I got a test in the mail, and I know there's no way it's going to be negative. I'm not sure how I'm going to explain this to my professors and my parents, but it's too late now. <br><br>I know I should get an abortion, and I know I'm going to. My odds are better there than having the kid and raising them on my own as a college student.<br><br>However, I already have a daughter. She's 5. I was 17 when I had her. I was in a long term relationship, I used a condom, and I still had my life changed completely by her arrival. I have no life. I can't do anything. My boyfriend and I broke up last year, and I've been raising her myself along with taking college credit classes online. <br><br>I don't have the time or money to drop out of school and raise another baby. I can't even afford the classes I'm in now, but I'm so close to finishing. My parents are my life line, and there's no way they would be willing to help with another baby. I'm in a constant state of fear of not being able to pay for my classes. <br><br>I love my daughter more than I love myself, and having another baby right now would mean giving up on my dreams, and giving up on her dreams. It would mean having to live in constant poverty, and likely homelessness. I took a hard look at my life, and the only logical decision is abortion. <br><br>However, the thought of having another baby is haunting me. I don't want a baby, I don't have the capacity or resources to care for a baby. But I want another chance at being a mom. I want to know what it's like to parent a child that I'm emotionally and financially prepared for. I want to have the chance to see a baby grow up knowing what I'm doing, having enough money and time to help them through every stage of life. I want to be a good mom, and I can't do that right now.<br><br>I know the decision to have an abortion is the right one. I wouldn't be able to care for the baby the way they deserve. I wouldn't be able to care for my daughter the way she deserves. I can't afford to drop everything and lose my chance at a college education. I'm not ready.<br><br>However, I'm ready. I'm ready for the next baby. I want to be a mom. I want to have another baby. I want to be a good mom. I want to feel fulfilled in my life. I want to have the life I've always dreamed of. I want to be able to parent another child, the way I should have been able to parent my first.<br><br>I know that by the time I'm ready, I'll be old. And I've already missed the opportunity once, and I'll never have that chance again. I don't want to regret and resent my children for my wasted youth. I want to love them, and cherish them, and to make their lives as happy as possible.<br><br>I want to be able to be a mom without having to be a mom. I want to be a mom when the time is right, when I'm prepared and capable. I want to be able to parent without needing to parent.<br><br>I never wanted to have my daughter at 17. I never wanted to be a teen mom. I never wanted to be in college. I never wanted to have my life changed. But I do have a daughter, and I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. She is my inspiration, my motivation, my love. I want to do everything right for her, and I know I can't do that with another baby. <br><br>I know this is the right decision, but in my heart, I'm so conflicted. I know I'm doing what's best for my daughter, and for myself, but it's so hard. It's so hard to know that I could be expecting another baby when I'm not thinking about that. It's so hard to think about everything I feel like I'm missing by not having another child. It's hard to think about what could have been.<br><br>I'm going to go take the test. I know I won't be surprised when I see the + sign, but I feel like I'm still in denial. Everything is just so confusing.