I think I have hurt my wife just to fulfill my fantasy.

I (M37) and w(35) have been married for 12 years together for 17. We have never been in a open relationship or have been with anyone else, however we used to occasionally talk about our fantasies. I always wanted to have a plunge into a poly relationship and she wasn't comfortable with it. She wanted to explore the BDSM part were she is the dom and I sub however I wasn't excited about it. <br><br>We both used to laugh it off and continued our happy married life. We both have good careers, great marriage, good sex, exceptional friends and a beautiful little princess (4 years old) who is the result of our love and a happy marriage. <br><br>One year ago, I wanted to explore more and I convinced my wife to have a friends with benefit. She reluctantly agreed in the condition that it will be only sexual and not full blown relationship. We were both excited and nervous. After a few failed attempts we were able to find a good friends with benefits. <br><br>I was just hanging around and it didn't take long for me to start having sex with her. I was too excited to inform my wife but she wanted to wait. After a week I waited for too long so I went home and we did have sex. <br><br>I felt extremely excited and wanted to explore more. We had an amazing time with her and started have sex 2-3 times a week. I still had sex with my wife but not as much as I used to. I thought it was because of me and ignored it. It turned out that wife was feeling left out. She didn't connect with her "friend" because of their different personalities and she was just having sex only with me. I was so blinded and kept on exploring till our "friend" wanted to stop seeing us because she started having feelings for my wife but she won't reciprocate because she is strictly hetreo. <br><br>So we lost a friend with benefits and I was heartbroken. Wife suggested we should try the BDSM thing. I was furious and I have hurt her with my words. I told her that I don't want to do anything stupid just because she can't find another person to explore a friends with benefits arrangement. I told her we can try but I won't be excited. <br><br>She was crying and I was fuming. The fight escalated and she started packing bags to go to her parent's house. I didn't stop her. <br><br>After a week of not seeing each other we talked and she told me that I have hurt her so much. She wasn't excited but still was exploring the option just because I was having so much fun. I felt incredibly guilty and promised her I will do anything to make it up to her. <br><br>We both agreed to try the BDSM thing with the condition that we will set boundaries we can cross and we shouldn't say no to anything. I was not excited but I did a lot of research and tried to do what she wanted me to do. It hurt a lot and I was in pain but I took it like a champ. We explored it for 3 months and I had injuries from whips and canes. I even had a broken rib because she was too rough in a session. I have been hurt a lot but took it because I thought I can make it up to her. I have never raised a complain just because I was too guilty.<br><br>One day she was again crying and she told me that it's a failure. She doesn't enjoy it and she wants to stop. I was hurt but I have kept my cool and continue to be calm and supportive. We were back to normal and we continued our happy married life.<br><br>Last weekend we drove to a nearby beach town to spend the weekend there. After a lot of wine we were doing a session and somehow she got too rough and I wanted to stop. I didn't say stop because I was thinking if I do something too extreme she will break down again. I tried to take it but I was hurt so I raised a bit louder than usual and she stopped. <br><br>She was in tears and told me that she was feeling so furious because I cheated on her. I wasn't ready to take that and I pretended that I never heard. <br><br>I am just hanging around with the feeling that I have hurt the woman I love the most and cheated on her. It's not that I wanted to hurt her but I was playing with boundaries that we have set and I broke them. I just don't want to tell her. I was just playing a game but it didn't turn out to be good. I just want to forget it as a bad dream but I know one day it will come out.<br><br>Edit: I have read all the comments and I want to clear a few things. <br><br>1. Why didn't you plunge in the poly relationship: I understand that we are two consenting adults but just because I was curious doesn't mean I was ready. I have seen friends who have been in poly relationships and it didn't worked out. I know what I can't and can handle. I was afraid if I continue I might end up losing my wife so I took it slow and explored it. I was scared and it didn't turn out to be good. <br><br>2. You should have said no: I should have but she was so excited about it and I also started having so much fun that I didn't say no. I am not saying I am not guilty. I am guilty but I wanted to tell her about it but I didn't want her to be devastated. <br><br>3. Why didn't you explored more: I have explored but I can't go into details. The only thing I wanted to tell I did something that I shouldn't have and I regret it. I was just too stupid to ignore it. <br><br>4. Why didn't you talk to her: I should have and I regret it. <br><br>5. You are an idiot: I know I am. I take full responsibility for it. I don't want any sympathy but I want to talk it out and clear my mind. <br><br><br>Thank you all for the feedback and the warnings. I will take everything in and consider them while discussing with my wife