I just graduated from medical school, and my new hospital has some very strange rules

I graduated from medical school three months ago, and I'm really lucky to have immediately found a job. My mom was a doctor, my grandfather was a doctor, my great aunt was a doctor, and my cousin’s half-brother was a doctor… basically all the men in my family for the last four generations have been doctors.<br><br>I was one of those kids who was expected to be a doctor from a very young age. I don’t mean “expected” as in my parents gave me aandinvoluntary lobotomy and sewed a lab coat to my skin. But there was a lot of pressure, and so I became a doctor.<br><br>I say I’m lucky to have found a job even though it’s not really a lot of luck. Sall I had to do was respond to an ad in a recruiting website and show up at a hospital for an interview.<br>My upcoming salary is three times my parents combined income, even though they each have decades of experience. And even though I still live with them, and even though I don’t have any student loans, and even though cars and houses and other big-ticket items were just handed to me my whole life, I have never in my life felt so poor.<br><br>I’ve had to rip out my own hair to sew a whole new set of scrubs. I’ve had to sell my body for food. I had to haggle with a nine-year-old over the price of a sandwich. I was forced to get a second job to make ends meet, and it wasn’t until I was fired for trying to eat a still-wriggling kidney that I realized it wasn’t a normal fast-food restaurant.<br><br>I went in for the interview at noon. A nice-looking woman in her thirties, who I assumed was a doctor herself, greeted me and took me to a big room full of other doctors.<br>They all seemed nice enough, and the head of HR gave me a stack of papers and asked me a series of questions that were at least halfillegal. I'd heard rumors that it was a real dog-eat-dog world out in the real world, so I did my best to answer.<br><br>HRMs. Kroatia was a big woman with a kind smile, who looked like she may or may not have been part-vampire. She asked me if I was willing to risk death every single day in exchange for a tiny bit of money and the satisfaction of helping people. I said yes, because my dad had coached me on that one.<br><br>She asked if I was willing to work in an old, cramped, somewhat-creepy building that may or may not be infested with animals, demons, or malevolent spirits. I said yes, because mom told me to always expect the worst in these interviews.<br><br>She asked me if I was willing to follow a bizarre list of rules. I told her yes before even hearing them, which I realize now may not have been the best move.<br><br>HRMs. Kroatia smiled and gave me the following list of rules. I've copied them verbatim from the paper she handed me, which I still have in my pocket.<br><br>* All staff are to be inside the hospital by sundown. Do not attempt to leave the hospital at any point during the night. The night-shift staff will not be allowed inside the hospital during the day. Do not attempt to communicate with the night staff. Do not attempt to see the night staff.<br>* No one is allowed on the third floor. It is for the private use of Dr. Hull, who is not to be disturbed except in the case of a life-or-death emergency.<br>* The following people are not to be fed under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES: Dr. Mortense, Dr. Armand, Dr. Cole, Dr. Tana, Dr. Spreckles, Dr. LeFleur, Dr. Solomon, Dr. Scott, Dr. Reed, Dr. Kroatia, Dr. Sweet, Dr. Hull, and Dr. Block. If you are forced to feed someone, make sure they eat last.<br>* Please do not open the medicine cabinets. If you see a pill, do not eat it. If you take one of the pills, be prepared to accept the consequences.<br>* Do not attempt to move the gurneys. Do not attempt to touch the bed sheets. Do not attempt to jostle the IV poles or the oxygen tanks. Do not attempt to touch any of the medical equipment at all, unless you have been specifically trained in its use. Do not attempt to get trained in its use, because the training itself is very dangerous.<br>* Any patients who are listed on the Red Chart are not to be treated by anyone under any circumstances. If you see someone from the Red Chart, alert a senior physician or security guard. If you can’t find someone to alert, flee the area and seal all doors and windows until help arrives.<br>* Do not use the intercoms. Do not use the PA system. Do not communicate with your coworkers except in person, and even then only when absolutely necessary. Do not write notes, even if you have a piece of paper handy. Do not keep a diary of your time working at the hospital, even if you have a journal and pen.<br>* Do not walk alone in the hospital. Walk in groups whenever possible, and never stray from the beaten path. Stay in the common areas, and avoid private areas like the break rooms or the supply closets or the locker rooms. If you are alone, at least try to stay within earshot of other people.<br>* Do not go outside the hospital. There’s a reason for that.<br>* Do not attempt to quit. If you get tenure, you will be allowed to quit under certain circumstances. Until then, you are required to stay on staff. Any attempt to resign will be considered a request for early tenure, and the review board will be very strict in their tenure requirements. Remember that you are only an associate professor, and you still have a lot to learn.<br>* Remember that you are an associate professor of medicine, not an actual doctor. The other doctors on staff will treat you like a child until you get tenure, and there is nothing you can do about it. Trying to assert yourself will only make things worse.<br>* Do not dissect the cadavers. Some of them may look dead, but they’re not.<br>* Do not give out your hospital ID to anyone. If you lose it, you will be fired. If you attempt to get it replaced, you will be fired. If you try to open the doors without it, especially at night, you will be fired.<br>* Patients in the cancer ward are not allowed off their floors except with the explicit permission of an attending physician. Patients in the maternity ward are not allowed onto other floors AT ALL except with the permission of two attending physicians. Patients in the children's ward are not allowed anywhere.<br>* Do not attempt to take anything from the supply closets. Even if you are just borrowing something for a minute.<br>* If you are reborn or reincarnated, please let HR know immediately.<br>* There is no such thing as the tunnel people. There is no tunnel. If you can hear the voices in the walls, please let one of your superiors know so we can get you the proper treatment.<br><br>I read through the list and said it best I could.<br>Apparently that was good enough, because I was hired on the spot.<br>I think I start tomorrow.<br><br>-edit- Holy shit, this blew up. Thank you guys for the gold and silver and awards and all that. I'll probably update this story tomorrow or maybe Tuesday, depending on if I end up actually working and stuff.<br><br>Also, just to clarify, I'm not actually a doctor in real life. I have nine-to-five office job, and these stories are just something I'm messing around with on the side. I know it's tempting to think this is real because doctors are callous and type a dificultly, but in reality doctors are just regular people with a job they like who want to help others. It's not worth your time to dig into my personal life or try to find out specifically where I work.<br><br>Also, just to reiterate in case it wasn't clear, this is 100% fiction. There's no real hospital, there are no real HRMs. Kroatia or Dr. Hull. It's all made up.