I want to fuck women but I hate them at the same time

Everytime a woman smiles at me or gave me head or just sex, I feel super happy but I was fucked by women all my life and had alot of trauma. I feel like a conflict inside my head. I hate women and their selfishness, time wasting and worthless chit chat but I think about them too much. I want to fuck them all the time and it makes me feel guilty. My sister betrayed me and messed with my life when I was 18 and then my first gf cheated on me with 6 guys and used my money. I don't trust women at all and I tell myself everyday I will never be in relationship with a woman again. I want to be a monk or a hermit and live alone forever but still I want to fuck them.