How I spent the last few years of my life

At 16 I got beat up by 4 neighbourhood kids, they wanted to kill me and didn't let up until I told them I was gay. <br>18 was angry and did drugs and was skinny and angry. <br>19 went full sad and depressed and called out for suicide. <br>I was 21 when I decided I had enough of crying about it and checked into therapy. <br>I was 22 when I decided I didn't like being skinny and angry so I started working out.<br>23 when I got beat up again in a parking lot, but this time I gave the guy a broken nose, my arm is fractured but I'm still alive.<br>25 was religious and depressed again and I thought I had found a way out of the blackpill but learned soon enough it was just a way of coping. <br>26 I started dating a 35 year old when I was 25, she was a little chubby, but I had a crush on her. She's still in my life and the only person in my 20s I had sex with.<br>27 I got beat up by two kids but this time I took them both down. <br>28 I turn 29 tomorrow. I was 45lbs overweight when I turned 28. I'm now 169lbs and the last I checked had abs. I'm starting to get pretty quick with Brazilian jujutsu. <br>29 I am starting to see... It doesn't matter what I do, I was never a contender for being a Chad. I'm trying to get into competitive sports not to win or get girls, but to have fun.<br><br>I still see a therapist... It doesn't make me a better person, but it makes me feel better. <br><br>29 is supposed to be a number close to the end of the runway and I can't remember a time in my life where I felt so... So alive. <br><br>I am not expecting anything to change. And I will never become a "winner" and I think I have given up on that. But 29 is a lot of years of sad and I think I'm starting to get past... Something. I... It's not the best feeling. But it's something. <br><br>I'm about to hit 30. I still don't have a gf, but I'm not crying about it. <br><br>29 is the... It's not the best time I've had. But it's the first time I've had that I don't dread the future and I'm not angry at the past and I've found a way to accept myself for who I am and to be okay with that. <br><br>I know... I know 30 or 40 or 50 I'll still be a loser. <br><br>But right... Right now I... I'm okay. <br><br>29 is the year I gave up being a loser. It's the year I learned to be okay with being a loser. I think it's the year I found a way to be okay with being sad. <br><br>30 is a lot of years. But I'm okay... I'm okay with that.