I'm so tired of being a man.

I was brought up by a single mother and so she always assumed I would never get married. Her father was a piece of shit, so she always told me she was glad she married that man so I could be born, but also glad she left him as he was a bad person.<br><br>I never wanted to get married, I admit. I was terrified I would be like him, so I never wanted to hurt anyone so badly. I always thought I was bad so no one would ever love me, and I was fine.<br><br>I was happy. I guess.<br><br>Then she died when I was 18.<br><br>I never felt such overwhelming, crushing loneliness before. I had no father. I had no siblings. I had no friends. I had a few acquaintances, but no one who was close. No one to talk to. No one to be my friend. I was alone, and I was barely surviving.<br><br>Then I met my wife. She was the first person that ever made me feel like I was good. She was the first person that ever told me I was good. She was the first person that ever really loved me. She was the first person that ever talked to me.<br><br>She's the only person I love.<br><br>I love her so much. I never thought I could love someone so much, and yet I do. I love her so much. I love her more than people love their partners. I love her so much it hurts. I love her so much it feels like my chest is going to burst every time she smiles at me.<br><br>Then, she got sick. She's dying. The doctors told us a year ago she has months to live.<br><br>I was devastated. I was heartbroken. I was crushed. I couldn't talk. I couldn't function. I barely could move.<br><br>Then she got better. She beat the cancer.<br><br>And the relief was so utterly, completely overwhelming. I sobbed. I bawled. I cried so hard I hurt.<br><br>Then, after she got back home, I got sick. I slipped up on a ladder and hit my head on the ground, and it hurt so much. I was dizzy. I got so sick. I got so bad, I couldn't move. I couldn't even open my eyes.<br><br>I got so sick. I got so bad.<br><br>And she took care of me. She fed me. She bathed me. She looked after me. She smiled at me. She talked to me. She made me feel like I was alive.<br><br>I love her so much. I never knew I could love someone so much. I never knew I could love someone so much they made me feel like I was alive.<br><br>I love her so much, and I am so glad I am alive.<br><br>We got better. We got better together. Then we talked. We talked so much. We talked all night, and she told me she wanted to have a baby.<br><br>And I was terrified. I was terrified I would be like my grandfather. I was terrified I would be a bad father. I was terrified I would be a bad person. I was terrified I would hurt someone so badly.<br><br>And she saw that. She saw my face. And she smiled. And she got so close to me, and she told me I am not my father.<br><br>"You are not your father," she told me. "You are *my husband.*"<br><br>And I felt so good. I felt so bad. I felt so good I was bad. I felt so good it felt so bad.<br><br>So we had a baby. We had a son. We had a little boy. We had a little baby.<br><br>And I love him. I love him so much. I love him so much it hurts. I love him so much it feels like my chest is going to burst every time he smiles at me. I love him so much I never thought I could love someone so much, but I do.<br><br>I love him.<br><br>And I'm terrified. I'm terrified I'll hurt him. I'm terrified I'll be a bad father. I'm terrified so badly.<br><br>And my wife smiled. My wife got so close to me, and she told me I am not my father.<br><br>"You are not your father," she told me. "You are my husband, and you are our child's father. You are our family. And you are so good."<br><br>And I don't feel good. I don't feel any better. I barely feel anything at all.<br><br>I feel terrified. I feel terrified of being a man. I feel like I'm going to fail. I feel like I'm going to fail so badly.<br><br>I feel so lonely. I feel so alone. I feel so scared.<br><br>So I'm going to tell you what my wife told me.<br><br>"You are not your father. You are your own man. You are your own person, and you are good. You are so good. And I love you."<br><br>I hope this helps, and I hope you feel better.