Was an incest survivor. Im a woman and back when I was too young I had a sexual relationship with my brother. Still live with the shame and guilt from that time

I was about thirteen back then, my brother had turned seventeen. He was always back home, spending too much time alone in his bedroom. I would sometimes pass by his room and see him masturbating on the computer. Once I come in on him masturbating to porn, I would leave but get fascinated by the idea of having sexual relationships.<br><br>He caught me looking at him masturbating one day back when I was too young. I don't know if I was thirteen yet or twelve, but he caught me looking. He was masturbating as well and still had the porn on. I had to get out of there as I was ashamed.<br><br>He would follow me the next few days. Even when we went swimming back when my parents couldn't watch us. He was still masturbating and wanted me to see again. He even asked me out one day, stating I looked too good in my swimwear and he wanted to have a relationship. But we were siblings, I didn't know what to say. I was afraid of my dad but at the same time I was starting puberty and was getting fascinated by boys.<br><br>One day I came to him and asked what would happen if I let him consummate our relationship. He said my dad couldn't punish us as he was back home, but my mom would still be upset. Especially if she caught wind of this. He told me my mom was more on his side. I come from a middle class family, my father lives abroad and works hard to give us money so we don't starve. My mom works part time but earns less than my father and she doesn't have to work full time as she is still supported by my dad even if she doesn't live with us.<br><br>I wanted to have sex so bad. I still get ashamed to this day as I am an incest survivor. I let him consummate our sexual relationship. I don't know how many times we fucked, maybe a few times. But I still live with the shame and guilt of that day. My mom found out and hit me. She didn't hit my brother and she even defended him. She was fine that he back when he was seventeen had his little sister as an underage lover. I don't know what to say, I get so ashamed.<br><br>He would also get me my first tampons. My mom was upset but decided to tolerate it. I was around thirteen and I was too afraid to go to school with my period. I come from a country in Eastern Europe. I don't know if here too, but in back home it is common to get your period at thirteen. I am already older now, but I still get the shame and guilt from back when I was little.<br><br>The shame and guilt will haunt me forever.