I lied to my girlfriend and she won't forgive me.

Throwaway account. I (34m) met my ex girlfriend (32f) last year and we fell head over heels for each other, I'll call her Amy. We were both somewhat damaged from previous relationships and had a bad case of offer and acceptance. But we made each other laugh like nobody else could. The relationship was going amazingly well. We'd basically live together because I was always at her house. She basically moved into mine without saying anything and that didn't sit well with me, I needed my space to myself.<br><br>Last year we both took a holiday to Barbados, I'd never felt so happy and at peace in my life. Until she brought up me buying her a ring, why I never thought of it I don't know but I panicked. She asked me if the ring was going to be a gold ring or silver ring. I panicked and replied that I'll get her one in rose gold because she liked that colour. Amy was beyond excited about the ring and rushed around telling her friends. I lied to her, I had no intention on marrying her. I didn't want to be married and I was terrified of doing so. I never mentioned the ring again, neither did Amy. She'd mention how excited she was marriage and our engagement soon. I knew I couldn't do this. Just before christmas I had a sit down with her and told her how I really felt. She was absolutely heartbroken.<br><br>I told her that I love her more than anyone in this world and I just can't imagine marrying her. Amy asked me how I couldn't imagine that after she told her parents she was going to get engaged to me. I told her that I panicked and didn't know what to say. She got really angry with me. I told her that I just didn't want to get married, I've always been that way. She told me that she never even mentioned the ring because she didn't want to scare me and she didn't want to marry me right now, she just wanted a token of appreciation. I told her that I basically lied to her and that I didn't want to be married. This made her break down. She told me that I'm a coward for leading her on and she's heartbroken.<br><br>Amy asked how I could do this and tell her that I loved her. I told her that it's the truth and I do love her. Amy told me that if I actually loved her, I'd marry her. I told her I can't and she called me a liar. I told her that I'm sorry and I love her so much. She broke down in tears and told me to never come near her again. I've texted her multiple times a day but she won't offer me a reply. I miss her so much and I don't know what to do. I love her. I want to marry her because I want to be with her for the rest of my life.<br><br>I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life.