Caution: How to get away with anything

**Disclaimer:** This is not an encouragement for theft, rather a word of caution for those in management and a satirical way of protesting practices in the retail industry.<br><br><br><br>Cautionary note: If you have been an avid retailer for any period, you will know what I’m talking about.<br><br><br>#1. Turn a % of the employees against you. Punish them for stupid things and augment the power so that they become paranoid for repeating their mistakes. <br>Psychological abuse is good for stealing.<br><br><br>#2. Pay the employees well below the living wage, knowing that they’ll just steal the rest. Clearly convey that you couldn’t care less about their well-being and so they want you for being incredibly shitty.<br>Do not give well-benefits for them, they could just steal better food<br><br><br>#3. Be lazy and out of shape. How else would you accomplish #1-3?<br>Have no regard for employees’ feelings and do not empathize with their life. Convey that you do not care about them and that they are inferior to you.<br><br>Cautionary note #2: The next 4-8 are for the other employees that you wish to steal from.<br><br><br>#4. Give them expensive %**/y**-of- the year-awards. Establish a selective hierarchy of winners.<br>Make people feel proud of their $.99 mugs and decorative ornaments. This will create animosity and resentment within the workplace.<br><br><br>#5. Have no regard for employees’ well-being. Drag them out of the store at gunpoint while screaming and crying for repeating their mistakes.<br>This is where all hell breaks loose.<br><br><br>#6. Fire people for petty things and make them cry and wail knowing that they’ll be jobless and unable to afford basic necessities.<br>Replace them with a younger person that you can take advantage of and exploit. Make sure that they have no idea of how to do anything and that they have never had a job before. You’ll eventually replace them too, but for now, just leave them be.<br><br><br>#7. Train them poorly. When they make a mistake that you know they’ll make, punish them, beat them, yell at them and make them cry and wail knowing that they’ll be jobless and unable to afford basic necessities.<br>Tell them they’re lazy and that they’re terrible employees. You can sometimes call them stupid as well. Give them no personal regard and have zero empathy. Make them feel inferior to you.<br><br><br>#8. Regulate their every move and make them paranoid about being watched. Do not allow them to relax.<br><br><br>#9. Make them work a tremendous amount of overtime. Do not pay them time-and-a-half.<br>If they ask for overtime, tell them that they have to do it anyway. <br>Make them work more than 8 hours a day if you have to and do not give them any breaks. If they sit down, get angry and fire them.<br><br><br>#10. Be incredibly nitpicky of the employees and portray them as stupid and inferior to you. Call them dumb while laughing and mock their intelligence.<br>Tell them that they are a waste of your time and that you have better things to do than teach people how to do anything properly. %*trample the small and poor*<br>%<br><br><br>#11. Ensure that your prices are as high as possible and that your employees can’t afford basic necessities.<br>Raise prices every % years and make sure that employees have to work twice as hard to afford basic necessities.<br>Make sure that the employees that don’t steal are broke and strive to become homeless.<br>Convince them that they are poor and that they don’t deserve better.<br>%<br><br><br>Now, for those who don’t steal.<br><br><br>#12. Be selective over who gets holidays off. Make them work on holidays because you are a cruel and heartless bastard.<br>Make sure that their family hates them for missing the holidays to work.<br>Make sure that they have to work in the freezing cold.<br><br><br>#13. Make them walk to work because they can’t afford a car. Make sure that they live under the poverty line.<br>Make sure that they have to walk in the rain and cold in the freezing wind.<br>Make sure that the moment they think %*life can’t get any worse*, it does.<br><br><br>#14. When they have had enough, make them jobless. Throw them out on the street and tell them that life won’t get any better.<br>Make sure that they have to live in the streets for a couple of months before they can get %**a***ny job.<br>%<br><br><br>#15. Pretend that you are God and that you are superior to everyone.<br>Abuse your power and take advantage of %the poor and weak.<br>%<br><br><br>Now, for those who actually steal.<br><br><br>#16. Pay them enough money to afford the basic necessities life has to offer.<br>Make sure that they get breaks and holidays off.<br>Give them %*full* benefits and a good %*living* wage.<br>Treat them like an actual person and give them the respect that they deserve.<br>Make sure that they care about the job that they’re doing.<br>%<br><br><br>#17. Provide a safe and comfortable working environment.<br>Do not portray people as inferior.<br>%<br><br><br>#18. Do not regulate and spy on them 24/7.<br>Allow them to have a social life outside of work.<br>Give them the %*free* will to want to work for your company.<br>Give them %*full* benefits and a comfortable working environment.<br>%<br><br><br>#19. Do not regulate their every move and do not make them feel like a prisoner.<br>Allow them to live their own life without surveillance so that they will never make mistakes.<br>Allow them to relax and be themselves.<br>Make sure that they do not have to be paranoid about watching you watching them.<br><br><br>#20. If you catch an employee stealing, please do not drag them out at gunpoint and beat them. <br>Do not humiliate them and make them cry. <br>Do not call them stupid or lazy. <br>Do not overreact.<br>%<br><br><br>#21. Do not have the audacity to tell people how to dress and how to do their hair. <br>Do not tell people how to live their life.<br>%<br><br><br>#22. Do not be an ass-boss. Do not take all of your employee’s hard work for granted. <br>%<br><br><br>#23. Do not be an asshole. Do not portray people as stupid and inferior to you. <br>Do not drag them out at gunpoint. <br>Do not overreact and make them cry and wail knowing that they’ll be jobless and unable to afford basic necessities.<br>%<br><br><br>#24. Do not be lazy. Take the initiative to promote a comfortable working environment.<br>%<br><br><br>#25. Do not be a coward and hide in your office while your employees are dying outside in the 4-degree weather for 8 hours a day.<br>%<br><br><br>#26. Do not be a baby. Do not throw a tantrum because the timmies machine is not working. <br>Do not have a complete nervous breakthrough when your employees get 4 orders wrong and scream for half the day.<br>Do not punish people for making mistakes that you know that they’ll make and that you have created yourself.<br>%<br><br><br>#27. Do not call people lazy. Do not portray people as stupid and inferior to you. Do not drag them out at gunpoint while screaming and crying for repeating their mistakes.<br>Do not fire people and make them cry and wail knowing that they’ll be jobless and unable to afford basic necessities.<br>%<br><br><br>#28. Do not make people feel inferior to you. Do not humiliate and drag people out at gunpoint. <br>Do not beat them up and call them stupid and lazy.<br>%<br><br><br>#29. Do not portray people as lazy and stupid. Do not humiliate and drag them out at gunpoint. <br>Do not overreact and make them cry and wail knowing that they’ll be jobless and unable to afford basic necessities.<br>%<br><br><br>#30. Do not portray people as stupid and lazy. Do not drag them out at gunpoint. <br>Do not overreact and make them cry and wail knowing that they’ll be jobless and unable to afford basic necessities.<br>Do not beat people up.<br><br><br>%<br><br><br>This is not %*truly* how to get away with anything.<br><br><br><br>Cautionary note #3: If you are an avid enhancer, read this.<br><br><br><br>Cautionary note #4: If you are an avid retailer, read this.<br><br><br><br>Cautionary note #5: If you are an avid enhancer and retailer, you have no idea what you’re doing. You portray people as stupid and inferior to you. You consistently and repeatedly punish people for repeating their own mistakes that you have created yourself. You humiliate people and drag them out at gunpoint and beat them and call them stupid and lazy. You consistently abuse your power and take advantage of the poor and weak. You portray people as %*lazy* and %*stupid* and portray yourself as a God with no regard for your employee’s well-being. You fire people all the time because you think stealing is a crime. You underpay and overwork your employees until they crack and have a complete nervous breakdown. You are a lazy and out of shape person that has no regard for others.<br>You portray enhancers as %*lazy* and %*stupid* and portray yourself as a God with no regard for their well-being. You consistently abuse your power and take advantage of the poor and weak. You drag people out at gunpoint and beat them up and call them stupid and lazy.<br>You overreact and make them cry and wail knowing that they’ll be jobless and unable to afford basic necessities. You have no regard for enhancer’s well-being and portray them as inferior to you. You have no regard for enhancer’s feelings and have no empathy for enhancer’s whatsoever. You consistently portray people as stupid and lazy and have no regard for people’s feelings. You portray people