I’m 36, FTM and I just came to the long overdue realization that I’m transmasculine because I’m trying to escape the ~female~ social role.

I’m 36, married to a man, have 2 kids and I’ve finally realized that I’m trying to become a man because I’m trying to escape the role assigned to me because of my gender. I’ve always been a bit of a ~tomboy~ but I’ve grown out of it in my teens. After 2 kids however, I’ve felt suffocated by the amount of emotional labor I’ve been doing ever since I finished my education, dropped my dreams and became a mother. <br>I’ve always had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind and I’ve been doing my best to ignore it when I was younger but I figured that I somewhat ~broke~ during the pandemic. I was spending countless hours with my kids not being able to leave them with anyone and I’ve been losing my hair to the stress. I’ve always been the one that helped out with the housework while my husband is the breadwinner and I’ve been working full time as well. <br><br>I’ve had enough with the mental load of managing the house, my husband, the kids and myself when I had 0 spare time to myself because I had to do all the work when I was at home. I’ve tried to somewhat manage by creating some space for myself and starting my business but last year I’ve had some medical issues and I wasn’t able to do anything and I was on the verge of somewhat of a mental breakdown. I then realized that I was jealous of the men in my life. They had to do nothing to get through life. They weren’t burdened by the expectations of society, they had time to pursue their dreams, they could dress however they wanted, they could live however they wanted and I didn’t. I was an object, a thing to them. I was something that they could use. And I realized that I’ve always felt like that. I had 0 control over my life. I had 0 control over my own body. I had 0 control over how I was going to end up. When I was a kid, long hair wasn’t for me. I’ve always had short hair, I’ve loved playing with the boys, I’ve played soccer, basketball and baseball which was great for me. However, I wasn’t allowed to do any of that. My brother was allowed to do whatever he wanted. I wasn’t. <br><br>I’ve always been seen as a woman. No one has ever seen me as anything else. I’ve tried to transition 5 years ago but I was too scared and I’ve dropped it. I wasn’t prepared for the consequences. And now, I’m in the process of exploring my gender identity over the last 2 years and I’m getting ready to transition. I’m going to see a therapist, I’m going to explore my identity and I’m going to inform myself to prepare for this journey. I’m planning to start my social transition in ~2 years~ and I’m going to start HRT with some testosterone shots 5 years later. I’m going to have my mastectomy 10 years later. <br><br>This is my journey. I’ve finally realized who I’m going to be and I’m going to escape the role of a woman. I’m going to stop being ~his~ object ~his~ thing. I’m going to stop being ~his ~mother~. I’m going to break free. Semen and entrails for the men that think otherwise.