I cheated years ago and it haunts me everyday.

I (38F) cheated on my husband (39M) 10 years ago and I can’t let it go. It haunts me everyday.<br><br>My husband and I have been married for 12 years, together for 15. We have 2 children (4 & 2). We have a good routine down and a solid relationship. I thought. I cheated on him 10 years ago when we were living in Washington DC. It was an emotional affair, we would text all day and talk on the phone often. We eventually met up 2 times while I was out there visiting. It was an emotional affair for about 8 months. I cut it off before we met up in person for the first time.<br><br>I was lonely and felt like he understood me and was listening to me in a way my husband wasn’t at the time. My husband and I weren’t having great sex and I felt like he wasn’t present in a lot of ways. But we worked through those issues. I thought I did at least. But the feelings don’t go away. Every day I wake up I think about what I did. I think about the feelings I had, I think about what I missed out on. I think about how bad I felt after I found out. I think about how bad I feel everyday for the way I treated my husband.<br><br>My husband found out 2 months later because the dude I was cheating with told his friends and they told my friends and the news spread quickly. It was a guy I worked with. My husband was one of 2 people I asked out and I chose the other guy. My husband and I were friends for a while before we started dating. My husband was already kind of dating someone else when he asked me out. I felt guilty because I felt like I turned him down for someone better. I don’t know. It’s all messy in my head.<br><br>My husband didn’t break up with me, he told me he wanted to talk it out when he got home from work the next day. So he knew. He could have gone to the other guy, I would have resented him forever if he did. I don’t know. I was so hurt. I gave him the option to leave me and he chose not to. We talked for hours that night and the next day for a long time. We agreed to individual therapy and couples therapy. We were able to work through a lot of those feelings that I had. But they never go away, not really.<br><br>It’s been 10 years since then. I thought once I became a mom it would be easy. I feel like it should be easy. And my husband is so supportive of me, he really is. It’s not his fault. I ruined our pre-kids sex life. I ruined our alone time. Those things are fixed. But there’s still that. It’s still there and I hate it. Every day I wake up I think about it. It doesn’t go away and I know it never will.