My weight/size has been a burden to me for as long as I can remember

I never really paid much attention to my body, never been this self-conscious about it, it didn’t matter to me what people thought about it, I didn’t let it get in my way. I am thankful I can say that much because at least it didn’t ruin my growing process/childhood which I know it does for so many. That being said, I never paid attention to my body because it never stopped me from doing what I wanted, it never bothered me because I was a happy person, I still am. I am also a 5’3 240 pound 22 year old.<br><br>However, I am in an on again off again relationship with a man that makes me feel like I want to fix it, like this is the reason I need to change because if it’s ever going to work with him I need to be in better shape. It’s this insecurity that’s been surrounding me, that all of a sudden it does matter. I don’t really know what/why it is that prompted him to tell me that I am too fat for him, but that was definitely the first time I heard him say that. I’ve also gained a little bit of weight since we first met (about 15 pounds) but it wasn’t a dramatic change by any means which is why I didn’t understand why he said that. He’s always been attracted to me, so much so that it even grosses me out how much he wants to have sex all the time, & he wants to have sex with me because I am so turned on by him etc. etc. but that’s the only thing I’ve ever felt good about. I’ve always felt like I’m not good enough for him and I could never understand why he liked me. That being said, the first time he said that I gained weight and he wasn’t attracted to me any more, I thought it was so fucking ridiculous. I have gained a little bit of weight, but 240 pounds is not that much different than 225 pounds. The visual difference is so small and I didn’t understand why he was saying that. It didn’t make sense. And it didn’t matter whether or not he was attracted to me because he still wanted to have sex with me all the time which didn’t make sense to me either.<br><br>But it happened again last night. He was so turned on at first, he was so attracted to me. I was naked and he was staring at my ass for so long he was so ready to go. It was so hot, he was so hot. But then he wasn’t. I was still very turned on, so I went over to sit next to him and he just looked at me and said “sorry, you’re just way too fat for me.” I didn’t say anything which I know is not an excuse for him to say what he said, but I was very surprised. He’s never been mean with his words before, he’s definitely never called me fat or said that I’m too fat for him, it’s been such a long time since I heard him say it the first time that I had forgotten. I didn’t say anything and I left the room and he followed me, basically apologizing without apologizing/acknowledging what he did was wrong but also giving me reasons for why he said it, which were basically that I’m too fat and it doesn’t turn him on. He then continued to say that he’s sorry but it’s not a turn on for him, it’s actually a turn off. He also said that he doesn’t find me attractive at all, he’s attracted to my face, everything else he’s not attracted to which makes sense because he said he’s into petite women, but he always said he was attracted to me. He always said that he was so attracted to me, that I had the hottest ass he’s ever seen before and he was so turned on by it. And now all of a sudden he’s not. But he then said that he does find me sexy in some ways, but the way he was speaking was as if I was some sort of fetish for him, the way I carry my weight/look. It was such a weird conversation and he just kept talking and saying things he’s never said before. For example, he said that if I got pregnant and gained way more weight he would find me disgusting. He said he would never cheat on me but he would never find me attractive if I got to that point. He also said that because of this, I would never be able to be his wife. This is a very long relationship for him, it’s been about a year and a half, but he doesn’t see a future with me because he’s not attracted to me and never will be. He’s always been very honest with me, but it’s never been like this. And I just sat there while he said all of this, like a stupid little bitch. I didn’t say anything. I did cry and I told him that it hurt my feelings, but that was it. I just sat there/let him talk for so long and I keep thinking about all of the things I should’ve said. Like for example, when he said that I would never be able to be his wife because of this, I should’ve said something like “well I don’t see a future between us if that’s how you feel. So there’s no point in doing this anymore.” Something. Anything. But I didn’t say anything. And he just kept talking and kept going on. I never interrupted him, I just listened which he took as an invite to keep speaking and I have no idea why I didn’t say anything. <br><br>I was feeling good about myself before he said all of that, but now I feel gross. I feel like shit. My weight and size has always been a burden to me for as long as I can remember, and he’s brought that feeling back. I’ve gained about 15 pounds since I met him and I know that’s not a lot of weight but that weight gain has still been hard for me. I know it’s hard for everyone and I know I’m not alone, but it’s just hard when someone acknowledges it and brings it up. He didn’t need to say that, not then at least. I was feeling good about myself, I had a good night and then he had to ruin it. He shouldn’t have ruined it. I don’t know why he said it, because he didn’t need to. I know he said he was just being honest but his honesty wasn’t necessary. And I know he never said anything like that before because he usually doesn’t say things he doesn’t need to say. I just don’t understand why he said it. <br><br>I feel like I’m taking so much from this subreddit and not giving much back, but thank you all so much for your kindness. It really does mean so much to me! I feel so grateful to be surrounded by so much love and acceptance. Thank you :)