My best friend is like my brother to me - Some issues

Hello, all. I think I need some advice on a few issues I‘m having, and I can‘t post on that other incest board without being bashed. Shall I begin with how this all began…? …yes I shall. <br><br>I do have 2 siblings; a older sister and a younger brother. I‘ve never been close to my sister, he is the one I‘m very close with. He was born 364 days after me, and for the longest time we thought we were born in the same year, but turns out I‘m actually 1 year older. He and I have always been very close. <br><br>Now, I have this friend. We became friends in school. He is a year older than me. We‘ve been friends for a long time now. I do not know exactly when, but I think that I‘ve always had a crush on this friend of mine. It happened to me that I get a little too close to my closet male friends - without realizing it. It wasn‘t something I did consciously. I‘ve gone through a phase in my life where I was emotionally numb. I did not enjoy anything anymore. Nothing made me happy. I didn‘t really have any friends anymore, that cared for me, and I didn‘t feel like there is anyone I can talk to. At that time, I realized that I had romantic and sexual feelings for my friend. I thought by then that I was pretty much a long time ago… it had been a long time since we‘ve been speaking, but I still had all these feelings. <br><br>I think it was 2020 or even later when I finally started to break up my emotional numbness. I‘ve gotten to know that my best friend was getting a girlfriend, so I thought speaking with that guy again would be a good idea. I still had his contact info, and I thought that would be a good idea - he would have someone to talk to that cares about him as well..and since I‘ve felt a little lonely myself at the time, it also seemed like a good place to start to get new friends. <br><br>Now I know that I‘ve said I do have siblings - which is true. However, I don‘t have any male friends in my age range. If I do get a friend, they are usually female, and speaking to them is easy as hell, but I do have a problem with speaking with men. Especially in the beginning. I get speaking with that friend of mine started slowly, but I noticed that all these feelings I thought would‘ve been gone by then have come back. They are stronger than ever at this point. <br><br>I‘ve since started identifying as bi. I‘ve also realized that I‘ve had a lot of feelings like that in the past. Always for male friends. Never for any women. I‘m still not good at talking to men, but that guy, in particular, is really easy to talk to. He makes me feel really safe and comfortable.<br><br>It‘s been a while since I‘ve felt like he is my best male friend. He is the only guy I can talk to without being nervous. <br><br>Now for the issues…<br><br>The first issue is about his girlfriend - and how it started to annoy me, especially these last few days. He told me that he would show me a picture of her at a party they went to. Which he did. And that picture was a selfie of him and her - without him actually in it. I‘ve seen that woman a few times in person - and she‘s not pretty to me at all. She‘s actually quite ugly, in my opinion. I‘ve shown him a picture of me in a dress as well. I could tell he liked it, but speaking about my looks is a bit of a sore spot for me. I wish he had told me that he liked it. At that point, I felt like he was staring at me. I felt really uncomfortable and shy. It felt like he was staring at me..and it felt very intimate. Something I‘d do with my partner. <br><br>And… it …bothers me. It bothers me that he has someone else as a girlfriend. He doesn‘t see me as a potential partner. He doesn‘t want me like that, I‘ve felt like he was trying to make me jealous? Or was it just my imagination running wild? Or maybe it isn‘t? The thing is, I do not really know how he feels about me. <br><br>If he has a girlfriend, then why does he talk about a woman being gorgeous if she has a nice butt? He didn‘t think it that way before he met that woman, but he does now. He does it even though she doesn‘t have a nice butt at all… I mean… maybe his girlfriend does have a nice butt? I don‘t know. I‘ve only seen her in person with clothes on. But it does feel like he‘s trying to make me jealous. He also tells me things like „I‘ve realized that women have braid hair in their vaginas“. I‘m not sure how he found out about it, but it‘s irrelevant. But why does he tell me this? I don‘t think it would‘ve been his point to just randomly tell me something like that. I mean… I think? Or maybe it is. I‘m not really sure. I know that I‘m trying to make him not see me as a friend, but more of as a woman. I do speak about my butt because I‘m a bit insecure about it. I‘m scared it might not look good to him. Or maybe he doesn‘t like it at all? <br><br>That bothers me as well. I wish he would tell me that I‘m attractive or something, but without that, I just feel ignored. <br><br>But I do also sometimes feel like he‘s trying to make me jealous. He posts pictures of him and her together, where he tries to make it look like he‘s about to kiss her. He posts pictures of her cleavage. I‘m not even sure why he does this. I would never get any of my relationships public, if I would even ever post a picture of me with a guy. But he does it. I think he might want to one up me. I‘ve posted a picture of myself in a bikini in a private message once - and that was the one time he ever complimented me. He said that I look so good, and I was pretty much hot. That meant a lot to me, but it also made me feel like there was something missing. He never said anything like that again in person..and it made me doubt if that was just a lie. Did he mean it? Or did he just say it to be nice? And why doesn‘t he tell me that in person? That bothers me a bit. He told me how he‘d like to have a relationship with me. I think he said it like..he‘d like to be with me, without being in a relationship with me… I‘m not sure exactly what he meant. But I‘ve seen how he‘d been with his last girlfriend. And that wasn‘t pretty. And at the time, I didn‘t know how he felt about me. I didn‘t even dare to ask him. And he didn‘t dare to ask me. I think. Maybe he didn‘t want to ask me either because he didn‘t know that himself. Maybe he didn‘t want to ruin our friendship. I don‘t know. <br><br>But the second issue is more a question in general. Do you think that me and this guy could ever be in a relationship? I‘ve felt so many things for him already. I‘ve crushed on him, I‘ve felt in love with him and I‘ve thought I was in love. I‘m not really sure. But I would love to explore more. <br><br>He is my best friend after all, and we do have a deep emotional connection. And if I‘m lucky, he might even feel the same way? He told me how much he loves me. A lot of men have told me that before, but with him, I felt it was true. And anytime he says it, I feel like he means it. And I do love him too. He‘s very important to me. But I‘m scared of ruining our friendship. I‘m too afraid. I‘m too shy. I‘m too scared. But I wish he would do it. I wish he wouldn‘t see me as his best friend or just a friend, but as a woman. I think there might be some chemistry between us. And I‘d love to explore that. <br><br>TLDR; one of my best friends is my crush, but he has a girlfriend. I really like him and I would like to explore more, but I‘m afraid of ruining our friendship.