My son committed suicide last week. I feel like I’m going crazy.

My son (13) was a really smart, quiet, reserved kid who was always happy, until a couple of years ago. His 6th grade year was when all of his problems started, and his 7th grade year (now) have gotten progressively worse. I know from talking to his father and counselor that they tried everything to help him open up to them, but he never would. <br><br>In June, he got his first suspension from middle school for slicing up a student with a razor blade. He didn’t explain why he did it, but his father said the counselor said that he claimed he did it out of love for the student who constantly bullied him. <br><br>The week before Christmas, my son sliced up his arms so deep that he needed over 60 stitches. When we took him to the ER, he told the nurse that he was going to kill himself. <br><br>Last week, we went to dinner and he went to his room to do homework. Hours later, I found him dead in his bed from cutting his jugular with a razor blade. He was laid across the bed with his arms and legs at 45 degree angles. The coroner confirmed that he died instantly. <br><br>The hardest part about this is that I feel like I need to be a strong parent, when inside, I’m a mess. I don’t want his father to see how I’m feeling. I know he’s feeling the same way. <br><br>I just don’t know how to process this. I’ve lost two other children and this is harder for me than that. I know that sounds weird, but it’s the truth. <br><br>I want to scream and cry and sit alone in a room and smoke cigars and drink whiskey. I want to drive across the country without telling anyone. I want to give all my money to charity and get a job at a resturant. I want to die and be with my baby. I want to stay in bed all day and watch my favorite old TV show. I want to go visit every fast food chain in the country. I want to sit on the beach and talk to no one. I want to be alone. I want to be with him.<br><br>I can’t tell anyone how I’m feeling because I don’t want to look weak. <br><br>I just don’t know what to do.