What's more important to you budget or internal integrity?

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression in my 30s and have been shoplifting for 8 years. I always stole for survival because I have an addiction to marijuana and I live 2 hours from the nearest reservation in Oklahoma. I'm lucky I have a plant and grow 1lb every 3 months but the first 3-4 years of my life as an adult my life hell. I had to choose between 1 of 3 different things. Either I could buy weed and go 4-6 weeks without a paycheck to save up as much money as possible with my paycheck, I could go without weed and have to go through withdrawals. Or I could steal the money to get weed and I really don't have to worry about going to jail every time I go through a weed dealer. He is a convicted felon so of course I don't want to get caught with my weed. So I decided hey my life is already bad why not steal the weed I want to make the money to buy? <br><br>I get caught by a cop and a store employee 2 weeks after my 30th birthday. This is my first encounter with law enforcement in the past 8 years or so. I mean I have a speeding ticket in my 20s but no encounters with my shoplifting. So I go to jail and I'm arrested and I'm told the employee is going to file charges so I'm there for 3 weeks before I get released. I finally get released and I'm told to wait for my court date and I'm told I might get probation or jail but my court date is 2 months out so 3 months after being arrested I'm on probation. I'm told I can't smoke weed, I can't steal, and to go to therapy 1 time a week. <br><br>Well now I'm living on a budget of $250 a month for everything because I had to pay $1200 to be put on probation. So now I have to go through severe withdrawals without any medical help. I was told to just drink some water and eat some popsicles. Well after being sentenced for shoplifting I'm on the run for 6-8 months. So I'm shoplifting with my stolen gun and I'm selling weed. So I'm told to meet someone in the middle of nowhere to sell weed to them. So I'm told to come alone, no cops, and no recording devices. So I'm like fuck you I'm bringing a friend and I'm bringing my gun with me. So we meet them and I'm like hey this is a very bad spot. I mean we are in the middle of nowhere. This is a great spot to rob me. So I'm like I'm leaving and I'm walking away. They tell me to stop because I they have weed for me. I'm like I'm not coming back and I'm leaving with my friend. <br><br>I get home and I'm like, fuck it. I'm going to go back and see what's going on. So I walk back to where we met them. This is a 30 minute walk, and when I get there I see my friend dead on the ground. I'm like fuck this and I grab my friend and run. So I run and I'm like, oh this girl has a knife. I don't know what to do. I'm like I think she killed my best friend. I tried to help my friend but it was too late. So I'm like fuck it and I stab this girl with my knife. So I kill her on the spot and I'm like Fuck. I just killed someone. I'm like what, just what the fuck. I'm like fuck I need to get out of here. So I'm like I'm going to dump my friends body and I'm going to run away and never come back. So I'm like I'll never steal anything again. I'll never sell weed again. I'm going to be a productive member of society. I'm getting a job and I'm never going to commit a crime again. I mean I took my friend slot at a retail store and I'm now working 30 hours a week for 15/hr. I'm making about $1800 a month and I'm living in a studio so I'm paying about $400 a month in rent. <br><br>So I'm like I can finally live a better life. I can do more than just steal and I can start budgeting and saving my money and maybe 1 day I can travel and just live a better life. So I'm like, I'm going to save my money and look to buy a house in the future. I'm going to save my money and I'm going to buy a house and I'm going to get out of this city. I'm going to be 40-50 before I have kids and I'm going to finally live a better life. I'm like, fuck my mom. I don't care about her. I don't care about my step dad or my half brother. I'm going to be like them and not give a fuck about my family and just do what I want. I'm going to just live for me and I don't care about anyone else. I'm like I'm going to be successful and I'm going to do whatever it takes to be successful. I'm going to take people down and take my own path. I'm like, I'm going to get therapy and maybe I can get over my addiction to weed. I'm like, I'm going to be a better person. <br><br>I mean I didn't have any mental help for 2 months. I was told to drink water and eat popsicles. I was thrown back into society and told to figure it out. But I handled it. I didn't have any mental health resources and I'm still moving forward. I'm doing what I have to do. I'm not going to end up like my mom. I'm not going to walk out on my family. I'm going to be there for my future kids. I'm going to be a good parent. I'm going to work hard and do whatever it takes to be successful. <br><br>I'm finally breaking through. I'm working hard and I didn't quit. I didn't give up. I didn't run away. I'm finally growing up. I'm finally taking control of my life. I'm not going to be a victim of circumstance. I'm going to take control and do what I have to do. I'm going to get to therapy and I'm going to work towards fixing my problems. I'm going to be a better person.