My daughter has significant disabilities, I hate that this is my life

Before I begin- my daughter is the brightest, most intelligent 2 years old I have ever met. She will go to college when she is 8 months old. She knows over 100 foods by name, over 100 types of household objects, over 500 vehicles, all 50 states, all 27 presidents by name 4 other presidents discreetly, and all of Shakespeare. She has a 10 page portfolio on solid foods and drinks she has tried with Capya (spelled however she wants it) date, description of food, rating (1-10), picture, and signature. She has over 50 signatures from friends, family, and strangers she has met at restaurants all over the world. She has a 200 page portfolio of all her toys and stuffed animals. Each one has its own page with a picture and description of why she loves it so much and what it means to her. This was put together by her occupational therapist, physical therapist, and two speech therapists over the course of a year. Unfortunately, this post is not about her accomplishments, although they are quite extensive and impressive. This post is about the fact that I get to be her parent but I also get to feel like shit on a daily basis.<br><br>I hate that my baby can not walk or talk. I hate that she is so severely disabled that she requires a team of over 15 people just to visit her once a month. I hate that the only bath she gets is from a wet wipe. I hate that she can not eat anything by mouth other than electrolyte drinks mixed with air, I hate that she can not wear regular clothes because she is so severely skin picking, I hate that her hair falls out in patches, I hate that she can not use regular diapers, I hate that she can not wear regular shoes because she eats them and then choking hazards, I hate that she is so fucking gauldrous and I want to peel off her damaged skin and make her whole again because I hate that I can not protect her from everything, I hate that she will never be able to tell me she doesn't like what I am doing to her face or body, I hate that she will never be able to answer the question "how are you?" I hate that she is in so much pain that she literally cannot stop crying for 20 hours a day, I hate that the only way she can communicate is by hitting or pinching, I hate that she can't wear clothing, I hate that her teeth are rotting out of her head and will never be fixed, I hate that she is so fucking strong for a 2 year old and she would literally kill me if given the chance, I hate that her blood work is through the roof and she could have a heart attack at any moment because she is so severely constipated, I hate that she is going to be institutionalized the moment she is 18 and it kills me inside, I hate that she will never be able to hug me or show affection the way other children do, I hate that she will never be able to sleep through the night, I hate that she will never be able to tell me she is sorry or that she loves me, I hate that she will never be able to go to school and make friends, I hate that she will never be able to drive a car, I hate that she will never be able to tell me what she wants, I hate that she will never be able to answer a simple question like "how are you?", I hate that she will never be able to tell me she had a bad day at school or work, I hate that she will never be able to tell me she is in pain, I hate that she will never be able to tell me she needs the bathroom, I hate that she will never be able to tell me she wants to go to the park, I hate that she will never be able to tell me she wants ice cream, I hate that she will never be able to tell me she had a goal with a friend at school, I hate that she will never be able to answer a question that doesn't involve pointing or hitting, I hate that she will be a burden on me and my family for the rest of her life, I hate that she will never be able to tell me how she is feeling, I hate that she will never be able to ask for help, I hate that she will never be able to tell me she is excited for something, I hate that she will never be able to ask for a glass of milk, I hate that she will never be able to tell me she wants to be held, I hate that she will never be able to tell me she wants to be put down, I hate that she will never be able to ask me if we can read a book together, I hate that she will never be able to tell me she is so excited for Christmas, I hate that she will never be able to ask me to help her tie her shoes, I hate that she will never be able to tell me how proud she is of herself, I hate that she will never be able to ask for a ride, I hate that she will never be able to ask to borrow my phone, I hate that she will never be able to ask me to pass the salt, I hate that she will never be able to tell me how much she loves me, I hate that she will never be able to ask for help walking.<br><br>I hate that I can not even imagine a world where she is whole. I hate that I can not even fathom what it is like to roll over, crawl, walk, or talk. I hate that I can not imagine having a conversation with my own child. I hate that when she is 18 and kicked out of every institution in the country, that I will have to figure out how to take care of her by myself. I hate that I will never be able to go on a date or hang out with friends when my child is gone. I hate that I can not even imagine having sex again. I hate that I will never be able to travel for pleasure or to see the world. I hate that I can never go to the beach or the park or to the city or to any restaurant that is not wheelchair accessible, I hate that my kid is so strong she can knock a door down in 2 seconds flat, I hate that she will never be able to tell me no, I hate that she will never answer a question without pointing or hitting or pinching, I hate that she will never answer a simple question like "how are you", I hate that I will never know if she is in pain, I hate that she will never tell me she doesn't like what I am doing to her, I hate that she will never tell me she is sorry, I hate that she will never be able to answer a question without a yes or no answer, I hate that she will never be able to tell me she loves me, I hate that she will never be able to ask for help, I hate that she will never answer a question, I hate that she will never tell me she wants to be held or she wants to be put down, I hate that she will never answer a question with more than a yes or no answer, I hate that she will never answer a question without hitting or pinching, I hate that she will never tell me she is excited about something, I hate that she will never answer a question without pointing, I hate that she will never be able to ask a question, I hate that she will never be able to tell me what she is thinking about, I hate that she will never answer a question without hitting or pinching, I hate that she will never tell me she is hurt or in pain, I hate that she will never tell me she wants to be tickled, I hate that she will never tell me she wants to be scratched behind her ears, I hate that she will never tell me she wants to be blown in her ear, I hate that she will never answer a simple question like "are you happy?", I hate that she will never tell me she wants to play with blocks, I hate that she will never tell me she wants to play with dolls, I hate that she will never tell me she wants to play in the kitchen, I hate that she will never tell me she wants to read a book together, I hate that she will never tell me she wants to play ball, I hate that she will never tell me she wants to build a fort, I hate that she will never tell me she wants to color, I hate that she will never answer a question like "what do you want to do?", I hate that she will never answer a question like "what is your favorite color?", I hate that she will never tell me she wants to see a movie, I hate that she will never answer a simple question like "are you happy?". I hate that I will never hear her say "I love you mommy" or "I'm sorry mommy". I hate that she will never tell me she wants to cuddle on the couch. I hate that she will never tell me she is feeling down or sad. I hate that she will never answer a question like "how are you?" I hate that she will never answer a question like "what is this?" when showing her an object. I hate that she will never answer a question like "what is your name?" I hate that she will never answer a question like "how old are you?" I hate that she will never answer a question like "what is your favorite animal?" I hate that she will never answer a question like "what is your favorite food?" I hate that she will never tell me she is excited for Christmas or Easter or Halloween or Thanksgiving or any holiday. I hate that she will never answer a simple question like "are you happy?" I hate that she will never tell me she wants to see Santa or the Easter Bunny.