I cheated years ago and it haunts me everyday.

I (38F) cheated on my husband (39M) 10 years ago and it still gets me down everyday. I can’t sleep because I feel guilty. Our children will be asked about us one day having kids of their own and what will we say if we can’t even be honest with them. I don’t even know what to say to him. We have teen kids now and I still can’t get it out of my system. I have apologized so many times and he just tells me he doesn’t want to talk about it but it will be 10 years soon and I’m worried about us. He is still married to me but not really loves me. I’m still in love with him and am jealous of anyone else around him but myself. I am so sorry for anyone who has been in my shoes and didn’t make it out. I did something so stupid and can’t forgive myself. I am trying. I am working on myself and trying to become a better person. I have made changes and want to stay with him and work on us but he just won’t even talk to me about it. He has told me it’s unforgivable and there is nothing I can do to change his mind but I had to try. I still want to. I love him so much. We have shared so many beautiful memories together. I can’t lose him. I want to tell him I want to talk about it again but I’m afraid of the response. I’d rather die than lose him. I don’t know what to do.