I cheated years ago and it haunts me everyday.

I (38F) cheated on my husband (39M) 10 years ago and it still haunts me everyday. <br><br>My husband and I were infatuated with each other when we met and we got married shortly after. We were the cool couple, the couple that everyone wanted to be best friends with. We went to the same parties and hung out together. We were inseparable. <br><br>We did everything together and we had tons of friends together. But I wasn’t living my best life. I worked and worked and worked and my husband and friends would go and do stuff together without me. <br><br>One day I was invited to join them and I was so excited. I rushed off work and met them and they were acting funny. They told me we weren’t going to do what they originally planned and asked if I wanted to get my hair and nails done. <br><br>It was so nice and I felt so pampered but I could tell something was wrong. They wouldn’t look me in the eyes, they were all fumbling and tripping over words. <br><br>It was then that my husband came clean and told me that he thought that the time spent with our friends together was actually starting to turn into a date night for him and his female best friend. <br><br>He told me that he really liked our routine of just going to her house and doing our nails together, just the two of them, and then going out to the bars and clubs. He said that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings but he felt alive again. <br><br>He told me he loved me but that he wanted to separate. I begged him to stay and he said he couldn’t. So I told him I’d do whatever he wanted. <br><br>I asked if we could still do everything together and he said no. He didn’t want to see me anymore, he wanted us to live separate lives and only see each other at home when we had to. I didn’t want him to leave and I agreed to his request. I knew I was (almost) a stereotypical wife that lets her husband do whatever he wants and I was ok with it. <br><br>I knew that if I wanted to keep him I had to let him go. We separated and we followed his friends journey through marriage, kids and college. I didn’t care, I was happy that he was alive again. <br><br>But I missed my best friend. I missed being invited to parties, I missed doing everything together. I felt alone and left out. <br><br>One day I was invited back and I couldn’t wait. I rushed off work and went to hers for the girls night in. I was so excited to see her and catch up on everything that I missed. <br><br>When I got there she was weird again and asked me if I'd been talking about them behind their backs. I said no and asked what she meant. She said that their relationship felt different since I agreed for them to do whatever they wanted and that I seemed off. <br><br>I said that I was sorry that they thought things changed because of me. I told her that I was happy that they were in love and that I wanted them to be happy. I said that I missed her like a sister and that I was so lonely. <br><br>She told me she was sorry that I was lonely and she told me I should try to get back together with my husband. She said I probably could win him back if I really wanted to. <br><br>I asked her what was wrong with what I was doing. I told her that he could do whatever he wanted and I would still be happy for him. She said she knew that but she thought it was strange that I was willing to be the stereotypical wife. She asked me to look inside myself to see if I really was happy or if I was just pretending to be happy. <br><br>I broke down in tears and told her that I would never be able to win him back and that I should just leave him be. I told her I would always let him do whatever he wanted. <br><br>She took me in her arms, wiped my tears and told me that maybe I should let him go. She said it was probably for the best and she hoped that one day we would all meet again. <br><br>That was the last time I saw her and I miss her so much. It was all my fault anyway. I know that I should’ve stood up for myself, maybe my husband and their friendship would have ended but we could’ve worked on our marriage. But I let myself become a zombie and let him live his life. <br><br>I was so consumed by the thought that I had to let him do whatever he wanted and I did just that. <br><br>I didn’t try to be a good wife. I let him do whatever he wanted. I didn’t try to talk to him or catch up with him everyday. I didn’t even call him when he was gone for the weekend. I didn’t care about his feelings and I let him do whatever the hell he wanted. <br><br>It’s not like I was happy, I was just pretending. I was pretending for years and he had 2 kids while I was still pretending. <br><br>I didn’t tell anyone what happened between us. I didn’t tell anyone how I felt about what happened and I didn’t try to get him back. I just let him live his life and I was just a zombie, a shell of myself, I was nothing. <br><br>I loved my kids more than life itself and I want them to know that they didn’t deserve a mother like me. I didn’t try to be a good wife or a good mother. But I want them to know that I always loved them with all of my heart and soul. I want them to know that I’m doing my best now and I just want them to be happy. <br><br>I haven’t told anyone what happened, not even my own children. I don’t want them to hate their father because of me. I don’t want him to feel ashamed in front of his kids because of me. I don’t want to be the reason for divorce. <br><br>I’m telling you because I feel that I need to unburden myself and maybe this will be the courage I need to tell my husband the truth. I don’t want him to find out from our friends. I want him to know that I’m telling him out of love and I want him to know that I’ve changed. <br><br>He knows I quit my job but he doesn’t know why. I want him to know that I’m done with letting him do whatever the hell he wanted. I want him to know that I want to be a good wife to him, that I want to be a good mother to our kids. <br><br>I want him to forgive me, I want him to give me a chance. <br><br>The truth is, when our son was born I wanted to quit but I was scared he would leave me. So I stayed but I really wanted to quit. <br><br>When our daughter came along I really couldn’t bear working anymore and he still didn’t know. I’ve been pretending for my kids, for him, for myself. I want to be a good wife and mother. <br><br>I’m planning on telling him this weekend. I want him to know that he can trust me again. <br><br>I want him to know that his friends didn’t tell me but I figured it out myself. I want him to know that I want us to go to therapy together. <br><br>I’m really scared to tell him the truth but I don’t want him to think I was cheating on him. I know it isn’t cheating but I want to tell him that I need him to know that I’m telling the truth. <br><br>I don’t know if he will ever forgive me. But I have to try, I have to take this chance. <br><br>I’m posting this here in the hopes that he will see it and know that I love him to the moon and back. <br><br>He knows I post here. It’s a win/win situation for him. If he sees it he will know I love him and want to be a good wife, if he doesn’t say anything I will take that as my cue to stop trying. He knows what’s going on, he knows I love him more than life itself. <br><br>I Cheated on my husband 10 years ago and it haunts me everyday, I’m telling him the truth this weekend.