A lot of us have some serious mental issues

I think we all have our reasons for liking chubbies, and at least in my case after loosing 15KG to get my blood sugar in order it became obvious for me that my love for chubbies is actually a protection mechanism. Everything that can make me fall in love with someone has been locked up tight and I can't reach it to the point that seeing a chubby makes me feel the same as chubbies made me feel. My chubbies aren't and haven't been chubbies, they are chubby enough. And if they are in any way out of my league then I am sunk. I can't stop thinking about this person, day and night as long as I am awake. I think I love them until I actually talk to them, and I am unable to communicate properly. I have had my heart broken until it can't be broken any more. I have been in a loooong dry spell too, and to make matters worse I have been so shitfaced that I actually went home with someone that was overweight, didn't even make it to the bedroom.<br><br>All of this because I am trying to protect myself from getting hurt. I've lost count of how many times I got my heart broken. The truth is I have been hurt so bad that it's ridiculous. It's so embarrassing that I can't even mention here because I'm ashamed. <br><br>So here I am, alone and in a relationship with porn. I am essentially an incel, but I won't act like one. I won't hurt anyone or do nasty things to get what I want. <br><br>I wonder, are any of you like me? What did I screw up at in my life? How can I make it right? How can I *un*break what I did?<br><br>Sorry for the wall of text, this is not a "woe is me" post. I have had my heart broken until it can't be broken any more and I don't even know where to go from here.<br><br>&#x200B;