I've been in a mental asylum for 4 months now. Is this normal? Am I paranoid?

This is a throwaway account, I'm sorry I can't verify my identity here for privacy reasons, but I will tell you that you're reading the words of a patient in a mental institution right now, wearing a blue wristband. <br><br><br>I'm writing this because I'm so confused, I have never felt so confused and scared in my whole life. Before this happened I was feeling extremely down and depressed, but I was functioning in life. I had my own business, a lot of friends and a girlfriend who I loved. But it all changed 4 months ago when my girlfriend broke up with me over text message. I was devastated, I cried for days and I stopped taking care of myself, which led to a terrible kidney infection that sent me to the hospital. <br><br><br>During the hospital stay I met a man, a man who would change my life. He was very nice to me and he talked to me a lot, he told me his name was Tom and he was also a patient there. But when it was time for me to leave the hospital he told me that I wasn't going anywhere, and that he'd come to see me the next day. <br><br><br>The next day Tom came and picked me up, and I thought he was taking me home, but we ended up at his house. We hung out, he took a Xanax and then he fell asleep. That's when everything went red, and I remember smashing his face with a coffee mug until he died. For the next 3 weeks I kept him at my house, and then one day the police came and arrested me, they found Tom's corpse in my house and that's when my life came to an abrupt end. <br><br><br>I know this sounds insane and it is, but at the time it wasn't. The day I got arrested I was admitted to this place and that's when my life started to unravel. At first they told me that I was a poor guy who went berserk and killed a guy he met at the hospital, but that it's alright, and that we would get me healthy and I'd go home in a couple of weeks. But things started to change when my attorney came here and started asking questions, questions I didn't remember answering. <br><br><br>He asked me where Tom is, and I told him that he's at my house, and that sent alarm bells ringing everywhere. They took me to the garden, which is like a big yard, but they didn't take me home. When we got there the officer in charge asked me if I still believed Tom was at my house, and I said yes. They looked at each other and then they took me to a room where I was forced to take a psychiatric evaluation test. <br><br><br>I remember the questions they asked me, but the answers I gave are a total mystery to me. The questions were simple and my answers were not. That day and the next one I was placed on a strict medication regimen, which they claimed was to calm me down, but I think it was to manipulate me. The next days passed and I got evaluated by several psychologists and psychiatrists every single day. They would ask me questions I didn't remember answering, they would change my story for me and tell me things I didn't know, things I only discovered months later. <br><br><br>One of the worst things that has happened here was when they told me that my mother had passed away. I was devastated and I cried for days, and I kept asking them if it was a mistake, but they kept saying no. It wasn't until I got my phone and my laptop back that I discovered that my mother is actually alive and kicking, and that the facility only told me that to manipulate me. <br><br><br>The days passed and I got sicker, the doctors said I was paranoid, delusional and that I had a severe case of schizophrenia, which I don't believe. I know they want me to shut up, but I'm trying to hold on to my last bits of sanity. They want me to accept my fate and resign myself to a life of medication and work therapy. But I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to accept that my life is over. <br><br><br>I want to go home, I want to see my mother and tell her how much I love her, but the doctors said that might exacerbate my condition. I want to see my ex girlfriend and tell her how much I missed her, but they said I shouldn't because I might get violent. I want to go outside for a walk and breathe some fresh air, but they said I can't because I'm not healthy enough. <br><br><br>Some days are better than others. Sometimes I feel like a ghost walking on earth, and sometimes I feel like a machine who's running on autopilot. The only thing that makes me happy is when I get a care package from my friend, it's the only thing that reminds me of my old life. <br><br><br>I'm so confused, I don't know what's a reality and what's not. Sometimes the doctors tell me things that contradicts each other and they laugh at my confusion. Sometimes the nurses push me around like a doll and laugh at my pain. Sometimes the officers yell at me for no reason and sometimes they're so kind to me. <br><br><br>I'm not delusional, I'm not a psychopath or a murderer. I'm a victim, a victim of a system that doesn't care about you. I'm a victim of a man who fooled me and manipulated me until I killed him. I'm a victim of a broken heart that led me to a kidney infection. I'm a victim of a society that doesn't understand mental health, a society that locks you up instead of helping you. <br><br><br>I don't know what's going to happen next. I don't know if I'll ever be able to leave this place or if I'll rot here forever. But I want you to know that I'm still here, I'm still fighting and I still love you. If you're reading this, it's because you're going through the same thing I am. You're not alone, and I'm here for you. We are in this together, and we will get out of this together. <br><br><br>So please, be strong, don't give up. If you ever get the chance to go home, don't go outside until you're sure it's safe. If they tell you to take too much medication, don't do it, you do not need it. If the doctors tell you things that don't make sense, smile at them and nod, you will gain their trust. If the nurses push you around, scream at them and say #metoo, they will back off. And if the officers yell at you, pretend you didn't hear them and keep on doing what you were doing. <br><br><br>You got this. We got this. I love you all.