I didn’t care about my patients

I used to work as a nurse in a hospital. I was new, and I was still learning. I didn’t care about my patients, and I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. The way I saw it, I was a nurse to patients who were in hospital, not patients who were in a hospital because they were sick. The doctors and specialists were for the latter. I was the person who helped out the former. I read to them, talked to them, and let them play with my hair. I made sure they were comfortable. I always put my patients before me, but it wasn’t because I cared about their health, it was because I cared about them.<br><br>As my coworkers put it, I was a “patient’s nurse.” I was a patient’s nurse because they were my top priority. I’ve cried in front of patients. I comforted patients. I helped patients feel like they were at home. I rushed to an elderly patient’s room because she wanted to tell me one of her famous stories. I watched a patient cry as she told me about her husband who had recently passed. I was with a patient when she got her terminal brain cancer diagnosis. I apologized to her, even though she wasn’t my patient.<br><br>I read a book to a patient who didn’t speak any English. All she knew was the name of the main character, and whenever I stopped reading she would ask “What happened to Abby?” I brought my phone to a patient so she could call her husband to tell him that she was going to have a baby. I have hundreds of stories like this.<br><br>I feel guilty now. I was a nurse for almost four years, and I wasn’t doing my job. I wasn’t a doctor, or even a nursing assistant. I was a nurse. I wanted to be a doctor, but I got tired of schooling. I’m not lazy, just tired. I thought I could be a nurse to fill the time until I go back to school. I was wrong. I should resign, but I don’t want to. I love my job.<br><br>I don’t know what to do. I want to be a doctor, but I love being a nurse. I want to care for my patients, but I want to care for them as a nurse. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that.