[removed] wanted to die, i wanted my life to end, after a 5 month relapse i have decided to give recovery another chance

[edited to remove app name and user name] wanted to die, he wanted his life to end, after a 5 month relapse he has decided to give recovery another chance<br><br><br>after a 5 month relapse to meth that nearly destroyed my career, my health, my relationship, and my finances, i have finally decided to quit. in the middle of all of the chaos, drug use was the thing that kept me going, but now, i am looking for real ways to heal and better myself and my life.<br><br>i made the decision to give recovery another chance and i have started to take my first steps towards a better life. i reached out for support and help, i am slowly reducing my drug use, i have started going back to the gym, i am making healthier eating choices.<br><br>i no longer want to die, i want to live, and i want to find happiness.<br><br>my story :<br><br>i smoke mephedrone for 5+ years and was able to stop in my own for about 6 months when i relapsed back to it, a week later, all progress lost. i have been smoking for the last 5 months and i managed to go back to the gym, get myself a job, brush my teeth, wash my face, and keep my hygiene in place, all of that on 3 grams of meph a day. though my moods were often dark, and my anxiety was higher than ever, i still managed to keep things going, but 3 weeks ago, my mood flipped and i started to feel so terribly low, my anxiety reached levels i have never experienced before, it made my skin crawl, my heart hurt, and i haven't been able to sleep since. i am in such immense physical and mental pain and i want it to stop, i want to die, i want my life to end, i want everything to stop, i am done.<br><br>i was up all night crying like a baby because i dont want to feel what i am feeling anymore. my life sucks, i am stuck in an endless loop of suffering, i dont understand how people can enjoy life and find it so entertaining, i dont see what is entertaining about it. i dont want anything like this for my kids if they ever come, how do people not struggle so much, how do they not feel suicidal? i dont understand.<br><br>today i am gonna reach out to some buddies and i am gonna go to a meeting, it's time to stop smoking meph and start taking care of myself<br><br>fingers crossed to be able to stay clean this time<br><br>just wanted to put this here so i can come back to it whenever i feel like relapsing