I saw something amongst the stars that gives me an identity crisis

It was the first time in my life I’d slept while in the passenger seat. I was excitedly trying to sleep that night, so I could get an early start on the next day. In case it means something, I am an *amazing* driver. I like driving at night a lot, but this trip in particular I had gotten started much later than I’d hoped. I like to do long solo drives at night to look at the stars, especially while in a new part of the country. There’s something so gratifying about that hobby, but I usually find myself trying to avoid it if I have an important trip and a tight schedule.<br><br>I had a friend in college who always joked that I would never not be behind the wheel of a car because I loved driving so much. I heard him say that to me out loud once after I’d been gone for 5 years.<br><br>On the trip I’d been going on, I had a friend, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend’s friend coming along. It was the boyfriend’s friend who had offered to drive up to the spot where we’d be staying for the week, as he hadn’t known our group previously, and he’d never seen this area of the country. I’m sure there’s some level of exaggeration, but he claimed he had an uncounted amount of nights he’s spent behind the wheel. I assume he has to be exaggerating, but he looked to be in his 40s while I was barely out of my 20s. By the look on his face when I asked about it, I was thankful he’d offered, so I saw no need to argue.<br><br>To be blunt, this man is an amazing driver. One may even say he’s a better driver than me, but I won’t go quite that far. While I was usually ready to drive for the long hauls with my groups of friends, he was on a completely different level. I wasn’t even tired when we started driving as he was being friendly and talkative, so we had a two hour conversation before I got drowsy. I’d been driving without sleep while working full-time for a while leading up to the trip, so it was the first time I decided to take a rest. That’s when he told me to get some sleep. <br><br>I didn’t remember falling asleep, but it would only be the next morning that I found out what I missed.<br><br>I woke up to an almost deafening knock on the passenger window. I looked around groggily, confused about where I was. The sun was high in the sky. I couldn’t see my friend or her boyfriend, but our driver was sitting in the driver’s seat. He smiled and said. “good morning” as if nothing was wrong. He was still in his full clothes and hadn’t groomed himself. I looked at his IPhone sitting on the passenger seat and saw it was 9:41. Technically, it was morning. I looked behind us and saw a gas station. I looked out my window and saw another one in front of us across the street. I realized that we must be taking a stop for food and gas. I yawned and got out of the car. <br><br>“Where are we?” I asked.<br><br>“Rest stop about an hour away from our destination. We’re going to get some food and eat inside, then we’ll be on our way.”<br><br>I asked, “how long did I sleep?”<br><br>He said, “not long enough, you’re going to be tired for the drive home tomorrow” in a joking manner.<br><br>“Did I miss anything?”<br><br>He started to walk towards the gas station and said, “not really. It was kind of a boring drive, I’d say you didn’t miss much.”<br><br>My friend and her boyfriend came out of the gas station shortly after and we went inside to eat. I was a bit drowsy at the beginning of the meal, but it quickly went away. I didn’t feel tired as though I’d stayed up all night. They were excitedly trying on clothes from the gift shop and pretending to be cowboys and cowgirls in the middle of the 1800s. It was probably the most fun I’d had in a long time. I didn’t have fun *alone*.<br><br>I have always been kind of an introvert, and while I have a lot of friends who like me, I don’t always feel like I can connect with them on the same level as they do with one another. I felt like I fit in amongst them, but I was never truly one of them. After that meal I felt like I belonged with my friends. <br><br>Something was off, but I couldn’t quite place it. This much I knew.<br><br>I slept like a baby that night, and I was excited to drive the next day. When I got my bags, I was heavy with exhaustion. I was drowsy for the car ride, much moreso than I’d been the day prior. I saw that I was behind the wheel, and my friends were excitedly trying on their outfits again. With a confused look on my face, I saw that we were driving *back* to our original location. My friends didn’t notice me looking at them, but I noticed amongst their excited yips, they were calling me Amanda.<br><br>I realized in that moment, the fun we’d had, the way I connected with my friends, the relaxing drive and the lack of tiredness… it wasn’t real. In fact, I heard a faint voice in the background. It was a man’s voice from behind me. It said. “You thought this would be what it’s like?” I looked back and saw it was our driver, trying to stifle a grin as he looked at me with a sense of excitement. I looked back at my friends, who were still excitedly trying on clothes, calling me Amanda. I asked, “what is all this?”<br><br>My friends didn’t hear me, but our driver did. He said. “You know what this is. You were right. You didn’t miss anything.” He paused as I looked at my friends, confused. <br><br>“Before we met, did you ever see yourself with real friends?”<br><br>My friends didn’t hear this, and they were still calling me Amanda. I was confused. I asked, “what do you mean?”<br><br>He said. “Did you ever imagine yourself being part of a friend circle? Did you ever see yourself having fun, amongst people who actually enjoyed your company?”<br><br>I stared at my friends, who had no idea I was even there. They were calling me Amanda. I didn’t know what was happening, but much like the rest stop and meal, I saw the *fun* they had. *I* was never there, though.<br><br>I looked at our driver, who was smiling at me. He said. “Did you see yourself having fun, being yourself?”<br><br>I started to tear up as I looked at my friends who still had no idea I was there. *I* was never there. They were calling me Amanda. I realized I was never part of their lives. They didn’t know I existed. I didn’t have a life. I didn’t have fun, except in my dreams of what could have been. I saw what I wanted to see amongst them, not what was really happening. <br><br>Our driver said. “all people do this. We all have a storybook to imagine an ideal life in our minds.”<br><br>I looked at the fun my friends were having. I looked at the meal we’d had. I looked at the way I connected with them. I looked at how I was never a part of their lives. I wasn’t painful to them, I was irrelevant. I was a person to them, but they’d never thought of me. I was never a part of them. They had no idea I existed.<br><br>I asked, “am I a bad person?”<br><br>I started to cry as our driver said. “No, you’re *no one*.”<br><br>I looked amongst my friends, who were excitedly trying on clothes and calling me Amanda again. I started to cry heavy as I realized my whole life, I’d dreamed of having friends, of connecting with people, of having real fun. I had fun while sleeping, I had fun while dreaming, I had fun while imagining myself amongst other people. I was never a person. I was never a friend. I was no one. <br><br>I sunk into the driver’s seat, crying as I looked out my window, amongst the stars. Our driver started driving. I looked back at him and asked, “what’s going to happen to me?”<br><br>He smiled and said, “Nothing.”<br><br>I sniveled and looked at my friend’s bags in the back seat. “Why are we driving back?”<br><br>He smiled and said. “I hate driving alone at night.”<br><br>I started to cry again, this time heavily. I realized I wasn’t out driving alone because I loved driving at night. I wasn’t out driving alone because I had to. I was driving alone at night because I had to be alone. I had to be alone because I was no one. I had no one to talk to. I wasn’t a terrible person to be around, I was irrelevant. I was so irrelevant that there was a man who’d let my unconscious, heavy body ride shotgun so he could have someone to keep him company. I wasn’t relevant enough to even be bothered trying to connect. I was a distraction to keep him awake. I was a *friend* to keep him awake. <br><br>I looked back at him and he was smiling again, this time not trying to hide it. I asked, “how did you know?”<br><br>He chuckled as he said. “You see, when I’m behind the wheel, I usually find myself quiet on the inside. I’m a very sociable person, and driving alone at night feels like an eternity. For