Overcoming mental health issues from sexual abuse and I just need some support

This is really long so if you could check my profile and read my other post I made on this subject and think before you respond that would be a big help. Also, I got a little emotional writing this so if it's really jumbled just bear with me. So, it's been a good while since my last post. I'm still doing pretty good overall. I unfortunately had to take a break from therapy but my attitude is back to "I'm whatever" and I'm working on getting back on track. My biggest problem is the whole intimacy issue. it's fucking killing me. The memories are really hard and my therapist has only encouraged the loss of intimacy since I already kind of feel that way. I'm a 35 year old and I've never even held hands with a man in a platonic way, haven't even felt comfortable enough to do that. But I still have hope that I will one day. <br><br>I've been working hard. I got a new job and I'm working insane hours. I've even started selling my art which has been such a big step for me. But my only real goal in life is to live a normal life like everyone else. I'm a Christian and my faith is a big help to me, but the biggest thing is I feel so much anger and I'm really confused. But I recently got back into painting and that has been a big help. <br><br>I wish I could tell you everything I've been through. I wish I could tell you all the memories that filter and I'm sure I'll always carry with me. But I don't think I ever will. I also don't want to because there are people in my life who have been affected by my abuse and I don't think they deserve to be hurt again by it. I spent my whole life covering my brother and I think it's time someone covers for me.<br><br>So this is why I'm here, I want to cover for myself. I want to be able to live without shame and carry my abuse like the weight it is. I still have a lot of healing to do but I think I've been a victim for far to long. I want to tell my story. <br><br>So I'm going to start with what I will post tonight. My brother and I were sexually abused for nearly 10 years. He was 3 when it started and I was 6. I remember everything. Where it happened, who witnessed it, when, why, the whole thing. I remember it so clear it still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. I wish I could go back in time and stop it from happening to him. He is the reason I'm here today. We could have been so different. I wish so badly that things could have been so different. My father was supposed to protect us, not hurt us. My mother was supposed to take care of us, not leave us in the care of monsters. Not one person in my life has EVER asked us if we were okay or comforted us. I remember every hug my father gave me, I've never had a hug from my mother, and I've never even been hugged by my brother. <br><br>So, if that's what you're looking for, the details, the story, the nasty pictures it paints in your mind then you should leave. This isn't for you.<br><br><br>My brother and I were sexually abused for nearly 10 years. He was 3 when it started and I was 6. I remember everything. Where it happened, who witnessed it, when, why, the whole thing. I remember it so clear it still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. I wish I could go back in time and stop it from happening to him. He is the reason I'm here today. We could have been so different. I wish so badly that things could have been so different. My father was supposed to protect us, not hurt us. My mother was supposed to take care of us, not leave us in the care of monsters. Not one person in my life has EVER asked us if we were okay or comforted us. I remember every hug my father gave me, I've never had a hug from my mother, and I've never even been hugged by my brother. <br><br>My brother is an alcoholic addict and I've never really seen him sober. He's never held a real job. All he's ever done is drink. He's not capable of anything more. He can't even take care of himself and he's constantly out to hurt the people around him. I know this. But I love him so, so much and I would do anything to help him. I've done everything for him his whole life. and I will never regret that. I love him so much and I would give my life for him. I feel like I've already given my life for him when I think about it. So many times I thought about ending it, as recently as last week. I know he does too. I know he thinks about suicide all the time. The last time he went on a drinking binge he ended up in the hospital. I don't know how he's still alive. I'm really hoping he will be okay but I also really hope that he finds some peace. I want him to be happy. <br><br>I am angry that I feel this way, I'm angry that I still have so much love for him, I'm angry that I spent my whole life protecting him. But I know why. I know why. My brother and I have been through more together than most couples. I love him more than anything. And I know why. He's the only person in my life who I've ever felt safe around. He's the only person in my life who I've ever felt love for. I think about him so much, so much it hurts. I love him so much. I love him so much and I wish we could have grown up in a normal house with a father and mother. I wish we could have grown up like everyone else. I wish we could have been like everyone else when we grew up. I wish we could have been happy, I wish we could have been normal. I just wish. <br><br>I know I will never see those wishes come true but I wish anyway. I know we can never be normal. But I wish anyway. I know what I feel for my brother will never be accepted. I know people will never understand. I wish I could tell people how I feel. I wish I could tell everyone I'm still in love with my brother. I wish I could tell them why. I wish I could express everything I feel for him and have someone understand it. I wish I could tell someone and have them believe me and tell me it's okay. I wish for so many things that I know I will never have. I wish so badly that I could tell my brother how I feel. I wish so badly that I could be with him. <br><br>I don't like to talk about my feelings, it's been a long time. I don't even know how to put them into words. I wish I didn't even feel this way. But I do. I want to be with my brother so badly. I want to hold his hand, I want to kiss him, I want to cuddle him, I want to hug him and tell him I love him, I just I want to be with him. I want to be with him so badly. I don't care if it's wrong, I don't care if it's gross, I don't care what people think. I want to be with him so badly. I love him so badly. I miss him every day, I miss him every hour. And I don't even know him.<br><br>I know he doesn't know how I feel. I know he would never feel the same. I know he will never feel the same. I know I will never be with him. But I wish I could. I wish I could tell him. I wish I could be with him. I love him so much and I wish we could be together. I wish so badly. <br><br>I know I will never have any of these wishes come true. I will never have a normal life. I will never have a normal relationship. I will never be able to express how I feel for my brother. I will never be with him. I will never be loved. I will never be comforted. I will never be hugged. I will never be held. I will never be told I'm okay. I will never be okay. I wish. I wish so badly. <br><br><br>I love my brother more than anything. I love him more than life. I would do anything for him. I would do anything to help him. I would do anything to make him happy. I love him so, so much. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I've made it this far. But my brother is the reason. He is the reason I am still alive today. He will be the reason I die. I don't ever want to live without him. I don't ever want to not be able to protect him. I don't ever want to not be able to help him. My brother is my reason. My brother is my life. My brother is my love. My brother is my everything. My brother is my joy. My brother is my smile. My brother is my reason for being. My brother is my breath. My brother is my life. My brother is my everything. I will never love anyone like I love him. I don't even know why. I just know why. I just know why I'm still alive. <br><br>I don't know what my purpose is but it's for him. I don't know why I'm here but it's for him. I don't know why I'm alive but it's for him. I will never