I didn't know that I 'needed' to cry until I stopped breathing and they shocked me back to life!

I've been reading way too many 'I didn't realise that I was in a Coma/Dead/Braindead' until [whatever happened and now I realise that I wasn't actually here]. <br> <br>I'm obviously being a bit dramatic but I was possibly clinically dead for a minute or two and the way that I now feel is like I've been given a new way to release pent up emotion and so this is what I'm feeling right now.<br><br> <br>I was giving birth to my second child at 42 weeks. I was induced and then they broke my waters. I was on a drip to intensify contractions and then the pain became too much, so I elected to have an epidural. I started giving birth 3 hours after the epidural had been administered. I reached 10CM dilated, the midwife called for a doctor, she 'gave me a sweep' and the baby was with us in less than 10 minutes. It was the most amazing way to have a baby and the fact that I got to enjoy the first hour of my daughter's life, pain free is just indescribable and something I will always remember.<br><br> <br>At the end of that hour, I started to feel unwell, I was dizzy and I said that I wanted to lay down in the recovery position. I remember trying to get out of the bed and collapsing onto the floor crying for my mum. I remember my mum shouting 'she's fitting' and then I'm gone. The next thing that I'm aware of is a paramedic holding an oxygen mask over my face and somebody telling me that I'm safe and asking if I know my name, my age and where I am ect.<br><br> <br>The feeling of calm is the only thing that I can remember. There was no fear, no pain, no anxiety, no confusion. How I'm feeling now is like this feeling has been replaced with a lot of sadness. I'm in 'survivor mode' right now and I'm prioritising my recovery and my family but this feeling of sadness will resurface and I'm not sure how I will deal with it. <br><br> <br>They said that I'd been clinically dead for a minute or two. I've been diagnosed with hellp syndrome and they're saying that it was this combined with Postpartum Haemorrhage that caused me to collapse.<br><br> <br>The midwife told me that she had to give me three shocks to save me. My mum had left the room to call my husband because she was scared that he was going to miss the birth. The fact that she left the room could have potentially ended my life. I would have been alone with the doctor, the paramedics wouldn't have been there in time and nobody knows how long I would have been on the floor for. My mum could not have been there at a better time. This was something that was meant to be.<br><br> <br>I haven't read many posts of people feeling like this but I have to say that this feeling is indescribable. I have 'needed' to cry multiple times since this happened to me and I must say that It's the strangest feeling. I didn't know that I needed to release this pent-up emotion until I physically couldn't breathe anymore and they shocked me back to life.