i am an incel and i am a suicide hotline volunteer

hello. i am 24 years old, and i am an incel. i am not a self-hating incel, nor do i hate people, i am not a misanthrope or anything like that.<br><br>i know this may seem contradictory with the "common knowledge" of incels, but, well, i myself do not know why the fuck i ended up with no friends and no gf, no one to talk to, no life, no future and no desire to live anymore. despite this, i try to do good. i volunteer in a suicide hotline (not in a crisis center nor in a therapy place, so it's not professional) and i try to help people to not get to the point i am already in. i try to do good for the world, even though i know that the world didn't do anything good to me, and honestly, i think that either way, it's better to die doing good than doing bad, because at least this way i won't have a debt to pay in the afterlife. maybe the next life will be better.<br><br>i know that there are a lot of bad people in the world. stupid, asshole, inconsiderate, idiots, wastes of space, social ladder climbers, and so on. but i can't help but to feel good for doing good, despite my life being a waste.<br><br>i won't lie, it's hard to bear the weight, to see classmates and coworkers speaking about their wives, or to see young people talking about their "glorious sex life" or "what club they are going to on the weekend" or to see groups of friends laughing. i just want to scream, to leave the room/office and to tell them "you are all fucking assholes!! you all make fun of people like me, and you all have people to be with you! how would you like if it was you in my position???" but i can't. i am a coward.<br><br>i am, however, not misanthropic, because the struggle is real, and everybody struggles somehow. they just don't see it through their privileged eyes, and it is my task to see a little bit. that's why i said i'm not a coward, because i know how to see things from other people's point of view and to talk to them. i try to do that in the hotline.<br><br>i know that, from now on, i will live between the shadows, alone and sad, with no one to talk to, with no one to be with. i know that i will not have a family of my own, i know that i will just exist in this world, and not "live". and it is hard to cope with it. it is hard, but i do.<br><br>i will not throw my life away because of this, nor will i stop being a good person. despite the hurt, i keep being nice to everyone. despite people being assholes to me, i keep being good to everyone. despite the shitty situation, i don't drink, smoke or use drugs, nor do i use them as an excuse. i don't like going out, i don't like parties, and i like staying home alone. this hurts a lot of people i know because they "wish i was more social, i could be fun, i could be happy" and that's what hurts, they don't see. they don't see that i am not happy, i am alone, and i have no one to talk to. but they don't see, because i'm not too keen on complaining, so i don't say anything, and they don't see.<br><br>i try to do good sometimes, but i don't think i am doing a good job. for example, my coworkers know that i'm alone, so they tell me "hey, we're going to this restaurant this afternoon so you can come as well" or "we're going to this club, you can come too, i won't let you be alone" and i know that's not true. i know that they are doing that just out of pity, so i don't go. i know that they will ignore me in the restaurant, or that they won't invite me anywhere else. and i don't want to be "that guy" that doesn't go to anything, so i just leave it be.<br><br>and i know that, when the time comes, i will end it all. but i will not harm anyone in the process, because i am not that kind of person. and i will be alone when the time comes, but i don't expect any other outcome.<br><br>i just wanted to say all this because, as i said, i'm an incel. and i believe that this term is suffering from a semantic drift. it's not about being angry at people, nor is it about being an "asshole" or being a "monster" as the media says. it is about being alone, being in the shadows, with no one to turn to, with no life, no friends, no love, no nothing. and knowing that that life is not for everyone. this is what it is to be an incel, and this is the reason why i am one.<br><br>thanks for your time, thanks for reading, i hope this clears not only things up, but minds as well.