I've always had a crush on my cousin but what really made me realize I want her so bad was when a guy flirted with me and I got turned on thinking about her being in the situation

I've always had a crush on my cousin. I'll call her C.<br><br>My dad has 3 brothers and 1 sister, and C is the daughter of my dad's sister. She's my age and has always been an attractive girl. We were really close when we were younger and I used to want to marry her when I was a kid (I thought nothing of it, since we were raised in a conservative and not very diverse community where most girls dream about marrying their cousin). Once I got older though I realized that I didn't have those kinds of thoughts about her anymore. Instead I started to have a lot of sexual fantasies about her. I was too ashamed to say anything and it just made me want to stop thinking about her even more, and I generally did for a while. But I never stopped being really attracted to her so I've always been a bit pained from having another strong attraction towards her that I didn't want to admit.<br><br>I've had a few instances that made me realize that maybe I still have romantic feelings for her but I'm not sure. I know that the physical attraction is stronger than anything else. So I'm just gonna focus on talking about the sexual side of it.<br><br>Last year I started talking to a guy online. I think it was on tiktok. He was the first guy to really flirt with me, or at least be openly sexual and I got really turned on. It was also my first time being in a sexual situation - I've never been in any sexual situations before. Anyway, I had to leave the conversation and as I was thinking about it later, I got turned on thinking about C being in that position with him. I don't think I got turned on from thinking about him specifically being with her, but more like I got turned on thinking about her in a sexual way. Like I can't really picture her actually with him, I just got excited thinking about how she would look when she was in that position (which doesn't even make sense since it was a text conversation - I'm just trying to say that I think about her own body and imagine it in a sexual way). I can't really explain it.<br><br>I've also had a lot of sexual thoughts about her since then. Like I would imagine her doing sexual things with random guys that I think are attractive. I know that I would never want her to actually do that but again, I can imagine her in a sexual way and sometimes I even imagine finding her in that situation. For example if I imagine her having sex with a random guy, I might imagine running into them in the act, and for some reason it gets me excited.<br><br>I've been having these kinds of thoughts for a while now but I didn't know what to make of them until I read about a fetish where the person imagines their partner with another person - it can be a specific person or just a random person. Apparently that's enough to turn them on, and I feel the same way when I imagine C with random guys. The difference though is that I don't imagine her actually being with them, or at least I don't think about the other person. I just imagine her. <br><br>I've started to wonder if this is a sign that I want her for myself. I kind of know that I do but I've been denying it because it feels embarrassing and wrong. But I know that I don't just want her for sex, I think I might really love her, and if I'm not mistaken about that, then I know I want to go after her. Maybe I've already been denying it for too long and missed the chance. But I know that I have to be honest with myself. I've gone too long trying to deny my feelings instead of trying to understand them, and it's time for me to finally be honest.<br><br>So while I could just be curious about the idea of her with a random guy, I'm just gonna bet my money on the fact that I am getting turned on thinking about her because I want her for myself.