A package arrived for you, but you don't remember ordering anything. You open the box and find a dead bat in it. What do you do?

I looked at the package. Then I looked at my husband, and then back at the package. “Did you order anything online?” I asked. “Nope,” he replied, not even looking at me from the TV. I took out my phone and dialed the number on the receipt. A pleasant voice answered. “UPS. Thank you for calling!” “Hi,” I said. “I would like to return a package, I don’t know if it was an accident or not, but I didn’t order this.” “Of course, mam. Can you tell me more about the package, what did you order?” “I didn’t order anything.” “Then could you please tell me what you have, and we’ll do our best to figure it out?” I uncomfortably opened the box. “It’s a bat.” “A what?” “A bat. A dead bat. It’s in a box. And there’s a return address in Washington.” “Ma’am, I apologize, but I think you need to hang up and find the nearest authority. I think you’ve been sent a biohazard.” “An authority? Like a cop?” “Yes, mam.” “They’re going to come and pick up a bat?” I laughed, shocked. “Yes, mam, they will. You have a nice day, mam, and stay safe.” I hung up, and sat down on the couch. I looked at the box. Then I looked at my husband, and then back at the box. “Did you order anything online?” I asked. “Nope,” he replied, not even looking at me from the TV. “Sam,” I said, strongly. “What.” “UPS delivered a bat to me. What do I do?” He looked strongly at me. “Did you order a bat?” “No.” “Well then you need to throw it away.” “Throw a bat away? That’s not a good idea.” “Then call an animal control.” “They won’t come out for a dead bat.” “Then just throw it away.” I picked up the box and walked outside. It was a fall day in Ohio, cool and sunny. I walked to the garbage can in the backyard and looked at the bat. It was a small one, one of those brown ones that you see in caves. Its wings were skinned up a little bit and its fur was thin in one spot, where needles had been pushed through it. I sat down in the grass and held the box. “I don’t know how you got here,” I said to the bat. “But I’m not going to throw you away.” I sat there for a few more minutes. Then I got up and walked to my car. I got in and drove to the police station. I walked in and approached the nearest cop. “Officer,” I said, strongly. “I need to talk to you.” “Of course, ma’am,” he replied, walking over to me. “I received a package in the mail today.” “Yes?” “It had a dead bat in it.” “Oh, I see,” he replied, trying to keep a straight face. “Did you order anything online recently?” “No.” “Then I think you need to contact UPS.” “I already did, officer. They said I should call the authorities.” “Well then I think you need to contact a veterinarian.” “I don’t want a vaccine, I want to know where this bat came from, officer.” “Well then I think you need to contact-“ he was cut off by a man who walked up to us. “Yes, ma’am?” “Yes, sir,” I responded. “I received a package in the mail today.” “Yes, ma’am?” “It had a dead bat in it.” “Yes, ma’am?” “Did you order anything online recently?” “Yes, ma’am!” “Well then I think you need to contact UPS.” “Oh, my gosh,” I said, infuriated. “Ma’am, I’m sorry,” said the man. “My name is Officer Regen. Let’s start this over. You received a package with a bat in it?” I nodded. “Well, can you tell me more?” “It was a box. It was a dead bat. It had a return address in Washington.” “Did you touch the bat?” “Yes.” “Where exactly.” “On the head.” “I think you need to get a vaccine.” “No,” I said, sternly. “I don’t want a vaccine. I want to know where this bat came from.” “Well, ma’am, I think you need to call the Washington authorities and tell them that you received a package with a bat.” I looked at him in fulfillment. I had finally gotten my request through to someone. “Thank you, sir,” I said. “Anytime, mam.” Then I walked out of the police station and into my car. I plugged Washington into my phone and picked the first result. Then I dialed the number. “Washington police department.” “Yes, I live in Ohio, and I would like to report a crime.” “What’s your location, ma’am.” “I’m calling from Ohio.” “Yes, ma’am, but can you tell me the specific location you’re at.” I looked at the car’s GPS. “I’m in Lima.” “Ok. Thank you for telling me, mam.” “Thank you.” “When can we expect you?” “Expect me?” “Yes mam. How long until we can expect you?” “I’m not coming to Washington,” I said, infuriated. “Oh,” said the voice. “Ma’am, I think you need to hang up and call the Ohio authorities!” I hung up the phone and gripped the steering wheel. Then I started the car and drove home. When I got there the box was still sitting on the kitchen counter. I picked it up and walked back to my car. Then I plugged in the nearest post office and drove there. I walked in and approached the first worker. “Hello!” “Hi,” I said, less than enthusiastically. “I’ve been told that UPS won’t take this!” The worker looked at the box. “Oh yuck!” she said. I nodded. “Yes, we can take that. It’s a box.” I smiled a little bit. “Well, I might not send it.” “Oh,” she said. “See, I didn’t order this, and I don’t know where it came from.” “Oh,” she said. “Yes, so I was thinking about sending it to the sender.” “But how will you get the address?” I smiled again, a little wider. “I was thinking about that too! I think I’ll just write return to sender on it!” She smiled back. “Ok. You know what? I think that is a great idea.” I smiled again, wider, and took the box back to my car. I drove to a nearby grocery store and walked in. I walked straight to the post-it note display and picked up a pack. I thought about getting the two dollar pack, but then I thought about my journey and decided to get the four dollar pack. I walked home and sat down at my table. I thought about what to write. I could write “return to sender!” or “did not order!” or “send help!” Then I thought about my journey. I called UPS, they told me to call the police. I called the police, they told me to call UPS. I called one police department, they told me to call another. I called a post office, they told me to call UPS. “I just want to know where this bat came from,” I exclaimed. Then I looked at the return address on the box. And I got an idea. I opened the pack of post-it notes and picked out two. I wrote two sentences on the two post-it notes, and stuck one on each side of the box. Then I walked out to the mailbox and put the box in it. The next morning I looked out at the mailbox. The box was gone. I smiled. I walked inside and sat on the couch next to my husband. “What did you end up doing with the bat?” he asked. “I sent it back to where it came from.” He looked at me curiously. “How are you going to get a vaccine?” “I’m not going to get a vaccine.” “Well then you need to call the Washington authorities!” “Well then you need to call the Ohio authorities.” He looked at me, confused, and then laughed. “I’m glad it’s not my bat.” I laughed back. Then the mailman walked up the path. He was holding a box. “Is that…?” “Yes mam, it is!” “Well then you need to call the Ohio authorities.” “No mam. This was addressed to you.” I took the box. It was the box with the bat. I looked at it and then back at the mailman. “I sent this to Washington.” “I know mam. But they sent it back.” I nodded. “Do you want to send it to Washington again?” I shook my head. “Ok mam.” Then he walked away and I walked back to my house. I sat down on the couch next to my husband. “What did you end up doing with the bat?” “I sent it back to where it came from.” He looked at me curiously. “How are you going to get a vaccine?” “I’m not going to get a vaccine.” “Well then you need to call an animal control.” “Well then you need to call a veterinarian.” He looked at me, confused, and then laughed. “I’m glad it’s not my bat.” I laughed back. Then I sat silently for a few minutes. Then I uncomfortably opened the box. “It’s a bat. A dead bat.” He nodded. I sat silently for a few more minutes. Then I got up and walked outside. It was a crisp autumn day in Ohio,

A package arrived for you, but you don't remember ordering anything. You open the box and find a dead bat in it. What do you do?

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