AITA for telling my husband my "in-laws" are not his family and if he can't handle it he needs to move out.

I am 41 and my husband is 42. We've been married 20 years and have 2 children together. <br><br>I met my husband when I was 22. I come from a difficult background. I was raised by my grandparents and my grandparents were very protective of me. In fact they kept me from seeing my parents for most of my life because they didn't think they were a good influence. I even went by my grandparent's last name in school and most of my childhood I was known as "Mr. and Mrs. Granddparents Names Not Real". <br><br>When I met my husband I was excited to share this with him and he seemed to be interested. I was excited because I finally had someone to help me get in touch with my parents and have them be a part of my life. <br><br>What he told me in return was "Why would you want someone with your background anywhere near your children?" <br><br>Basically he felt my background was so bad and my environment growing up was so toxic I didn't need to know who I was. I was best not to ask too many questions. <br><br>Over the years I've tried several times to get in touch with my parents but my husband always shut it down. I've said things like "My parents might regret not being in my life and want to try and make up for lost time" or "Our children really should get to know both sides of the family" and he'd say "They are not a part of your family. Your family is me and our children. Nobody else." <br><br>I've tried for full disclosure, I really wanted to try and find my parents, get to know them. But my husband always shut it down. <br><br>Last straw was for our daughter's (18) birthday party this weekend. I was trying to plan a surprise birthday party for her with her extended family which included her "aunts and uncles and grandparents" and she got upset and told me she didn't want her parents there and that she didn't consider them to be a part of her family. <br><br>She said her father had always told her that her "family" was him, her and their son. He hasn't been part of the family for decades and isn't grandpa grandpa, uncle uncle or dad dad. <br><br>I confronted my husband about it. I told him I was very sad he didn't want to try and get to know people who actually were related to him and that he was robbing himself of a whole family who could offer love and support and love and care for him. <br><br>I also told him that now when our son (23) needs to add "my step-backward-grandmother" to a family tree for school he is really bothered by it because it makes him think about how his father doesn't want to know his family. <br><br>He said I was acting like I had all the answers and was acting like his family were my "in-laws". <br><br>I told him I couldn't call them his family and he got really mad at that. <br><br>So did I throw him under the bus by telling my children about his background and robbing him of an relationship with his family? AITA? <br><br>Edit to add: Holy crap this blew up! <br><br>I've read a lot of the comments and I am trying to catch up as much as I can! <br><br>I can't respond to everything so thank you very much for your interest. <br><br>For the people saying my husband's background is bad. That's not really the issue. The issue is my husband doesn't want to know about it. <br><br>He believes he came from a blank slate and did indeed blank slat himself mentally and emotionally and is very angry about anyone trying to inform him otherwise. <br><br>For the people saying my husband sounds incredibly toxic and abusive and I should either divorce him or get a lawyer and keep him out of my life. I am working on both. I have spoken to a lawyer and have been exploring divorce options. I have also been taking steps to make sure my husband doesn't get his hands on my children. They are both adults now and are choosing to move out which I am extremely grateful for. <br><br>I am sorry to learn this is the first time I've posted and been overwhelmed. I will try to be more patient with my device. <br><br>Thank you again.