Sister fucked with me and it hurt but now I'm so happy

My (23m) little sister is 14 now. She was very close with me since she was born. I'm sure there are lots of stuff that she doesn't know and, in fact, most of the time when she asks me something I'm not sure what to say. I didn't give any reason to my family to be worried about her or me. I'm not sure about myself and I'm not sure if I could ask anything but I just wanna tell all of this. <br><br>One day, when I was with her in the car I didn't avoid checking on her when she was changing in the backseat. I didn't know it was wrong and didn't give it a second thought, I was just there, waiting, and then it happened. It felt wrong and I ran from the car and didn't talk much to her or my mother after that. When we got home, she came to me and took me to the back of our house, she then asked if I wanted to see her naked. She then took all of her clothes off. I was so overwhelmed, seeing her naked was the biggest sexual experience I have ever had. I was not in my best shape. I was on my knees and on the floor because I couldn't stand. Then she hugged and kissed me and we went back home. Since then I've been playing this moment in my head and it hurts. I didn't want to think about her like that. I didn't want to remember this and I didn't want to do it. I don't know what is wrong with me. I couldn't help it. I don't know who to talk to. <br><br>I know it's not her fault. She probably didn't know anything about it and was probably acting out of curiosity. But it's killing me. I don't wanna think about it anymore. I don't wanna do anything with her. I don't know if I'm okay. I know I'm okay but something is wrong with me and I don't know what. I don't want to harm her or hurt her. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just wanna go back to when I was good. I don't wanna feel this anymore. I just wanna go back to before. I wanna go back to when she was small. I miss that a lot. I miss seeing her grow. I don't wanna miss anything about her.<br><br>She's not the one to blame. I'm the one to blame. I'm the one who is wrong. I don't want to think about her or be with her again. Not because of her. It's because of me. I feel disgusting. I don't want to be near her. I don't want to think about her naked. I don't want to think about her. I don't want to do anything with her. I don't want to share anything with her. It makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to do anything to her. I love her so much and I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to share anything with her. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to do anything with her.<br><br>I want her to be happy. I want to see her happy. I know she doesn't want this either. I know she's not attracted to me. She is way out of my league. I'm nothing compared to her. I want her to be happy. I want her to be with someone else. I don't want her to be with me. I want her to be happy. I want her to be happy more than anything else. I want to be happy. I want us to be happy. I want to not have any sexual feelings for her. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to hurt her.<br><br>I bought her a doll that she had wanted, 3 days ago. <br><br>Her face lit and she asked me to play with her. She bought a blue truck and really wanted to play with the doll and the truck. She sat on the floor and began to play. She told me to hold the doll and then she ran the truck in circles. After a few minutes of this, she pretended she was a beauty parlor worker. She told me she was gonna fix the doll's hair and when she was about to touch her I got up and took her to the back of our house, I then asked if she wanted to hit me. She asked me why. I said I wanna be hit. She then hugged and kissed me and we went back home. Since then I've been playing this moment in my head and it's the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I was so delighted, seeing her happy was one of the best moments in my life. I couldn't believe it. I felt so happy, seeing her happy and playing with her was one of the most sexual experiences I have ever had. I couldn't help it. I was not in my best shape. When we were back at home, she came to me and we hugged each other and I cried. She told me she loved me. We hugged and we both cried and then we played again. <br><br>I know it's not her fault. She probably is just not into me and doesn't know anything about it. But it's killing me. I don't wanna think about it anymore. I don't wanna do anything with her. I don't know if I'm okay. I know I'm okay but something is wrong with me and I don't know what. I don't want to harm her or hurt her. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just wanna go back to when I was good. I don't wanna feel this anymore. I just wanna go back to before. I wanna go back to when she was small. I miss that a lot. I miss seeing her grow. I don't wanna miss anything about her.<br><br>She's not the one to blame. I'm the one to blame. I'm the one who is wrong. I don't want to think about her or be with her again. Not because of her. It's because of me. I feel disgusting. I don't want to be near her. I don't want to think about her. I don't want to do anything with her. I don't want to share anything with her. It makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to do anything with her. I don't want to share anything with her.<br><br>I want her to be happy. I want to see her happy. I know she doesn't want this either. I know she's not attracted to me. She is way out of my league. I'm nothing compared to her. I want her to be happy. I want her to be with someone else. I don't want her to be with me. I want her to be happy. I want her to be happy more than anything else. I want to be happy. I want us to be happy. I want to not have any sexual feelings for her. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to hurt her.<br><br>I bought her a doll that she had wanted, 3 days ago. <br><br>Her face lit and she asked me to play with her. She bought a blue truck and really wanted to play with the doll and the truck. She sat on the floor and began to play. She told me to hold the doll and then she ran the truck in circles. After a few minutes of this, she pretended she was a beauty parlor worker. She told me she was gonna fix the doll's hair and when she was about to touch her I got up and took her to the back of our house, I then asked if she wanted to hit me. She asked me why. I said I wanna be hit. She then hugged and kissed me and we went back home. Since then I've been playing this moment in my head and it's the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I was so delighted, seeing her happy was one of the best moments in my life. I couldn't believe it. I felt so happy, seeing her happy and playing with her was one of the most sexual experiences I have ever had. I couldn't help it. I was not in my best shape. When we were back at home, she came to me and we hugged each other and I cried. She told me she loved me. We hugged and we both cried and then we played again. <br><br>I know it's not her fault. She probably is just not into me and doesn't know anything about it. But it's killing me. I don't wanna think about it anymore. I don't wanna do anything with her. I don't know if I'm okay. I know I'm okay but something is wrong with me and I don't know what. I don't want to harm her or hurt her. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just wanna go back to when I was good. I don't wanna feel this anymore. I just wanna go back to before. I wanna go back to when she was small. I miss that a lot. I miss seeing her grow. I don't wanna miss anything about her.<br><br>She's not the one to blame. I'm the one to blame. I'm the one who is wrong. I don't want to think about her or be with her again. Not because of her. It's because of me. I feel disgusting. I don't want to be near her. I don't want to think about her. I don't want to do anything with her. I don't want to share anything with her. It makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to do anything with her. I don't want to share anything with her.<br><br>I want her to be happy. I