I am going to a wedding tomorrow.

I am going to a wedding tomorrow. I dreaded going as I am wildly uncomfortable in public and around people. I had decided that I wanted to go as I felt that I couldn't let my anxiety about pissing off men get in the way of celebrating such an important life event for my friend. I was worried that I was going to end up fighting with my family at this wedding but I was all set to go and ready for the worst and most antagonizing comments. But I am going to tell you why I am not gonna go anyway. <br><br>I was so happy when I told my mom that I was going to go. She wanted me to go and was happy when I told her I was going to go.<br><br>But that's when she asked the question. "Whos going to go with you?"<br><br>I thought for a moment before I realized she was asking who was going to go be my date at the wedding. I was by myself. She was frustrated and said well I guess you dont have a date. I said that I wasn't going alone, I was going to go with my friend.<br><br>I tried to print my ticket and I had to move up the date of my ticket. I am moving into my new place and I needed to print out the lease as I didn't have a printer yet.<br><br>I told my roommate that I needed to print out the lease and that I could print it at the library on campus. She told me that I had all the time in the world to print out the lease and I just needed to print this ticket so that I could go with my friend to the wedding.<br><br>Although she didn't say it, I felt this vibe as though I was in trouble for not going to the wedding. As if I owed it to my friend to go to this wedding. As if I owed my friend to go to this event and I was a bad friend for not going.<br><br>It felt like a trap. Like I was being forced to go to the wedding and there was something that I was missing.<br><br>I finally asked why I had to go to the wedding. Why I had to go? She couldn't answer me. She just said that I owed it to my friend to go to the wedding.<br><br>I felt angry when she said that I owe it to my friend. My friend isn't even talking to me right now. She's not even acknowledging me. And I owe it to her to go to the wedding?<br><br>I told my roommate about how I was feeling like I owe it to her to go to the wedding and she was just like yeah, that is how men make you feel. They make you feel obligated to do things all the time. I don't want to go to the wedding. I don't want to be a good friend. I don't want to go to this stupid wedding. <br><br>I had been feeling bad for my friend and her family. I didn't want to make this wedding about me and I wanted to just let her have this moment. But then I remembered why I didn't want to go in the first place.<br><br>This was because I was worried that if I did go then I would get drunk at the open bar and embarrass myself and make a scene in front of a whole wedding of people that I had never met before. But that wasn't the real reason.<br><br>The real reason was that I didn't want to give my mom the chance to roast me for being single and to talk about how I don't have a date at this wedding. Being single can be a blessing and a curse. But I know that I don't want to be with anyone. And I don't want to be there to roast me all night and to make jokes about how I am single.<br><br>I just want to live my life and be happy. I want to do whatever makes me happy. I don't want to have to make a choice between going to this stupid wedding to be a good friend to my friend who won't even talk to me or to stay at home by myself and just chill. But I have to choose. I have to make this choice every day. I can't make everyone happy. I just can't. <br><br>I've been trying to make everyone happy for all of my life and it never made anyone happy. All that it did was make me miserable. I am done. I don't care about anyone but myself anymore. I don't care about anyone else. I am a selfish bitch and I don't care.<br><br>I am tired of trying to make everyone happy all the time. I am tired of always being disappointed. I am tired of constantly feeling miserable and like shit. I am tired of justifying why I make the choices that I make. I don't have to justify anything to anyone. I do what I want to do and that is it.<br><br>I am going to be a bad friend. I am not going to the wedding. I am not going to put myself through the torture of going to a wedding that I am going to hate anyway. I am not going to go to the wedding just to make my friend and her family happy. I am going to make myself happy. I am going to put myself through what I want to put myself through. I am going to do what I want to do.<br><br>That's it.<br><br>I am not going to the wedding.<br><br>I don't have a date to go with me.<br><br>Fuck that.<br><br>I am going to make a day for myself that makes me happy. I will do whatever I want to do and I will answer to no one.<br><br>That's it.<br><br>Fuck the patriarchy.<br><br>Fuck men.<br><br>Fuck going to weddings alone.<br><br>I am going to go to the park and watch the sunset tomorrow.