You’ve been invited to my house for dinner. I’ve never hosted anyone before so if something goes terribly wrong, just ignore it

I’ve spent hours cooking the meal I’ve prepared for you. I’ve cleaned every inch of my home, almost everything is spotless. <br><br>As you stand at my front door, you might see a faint glow emanating from the windows of my house. That’s just the fire in the basement, it won’t bother us during dinner. <br><br>Please ignore the blood stain on the welcome mat, it’s old blood. <br><br>As I open the door, you might see a man, likely drunk, with a bag over his head walking into my house. Don’t be alarmed, that’s just my personal trainer. He’s helped me get in great shape these last few weeks. <br><br>Please don’t ask me why I’m wearing a quilted padlock around my throat, it’s a little something we call fashion in my culture. <br><br>I hope you enjoy the beef I’ve prepared for you, I’ve never actually cooked real meat before but how hard can it be? <br><br>I hear a knocking from upstairs, that’s probably just my roommates, don’t be alarmed when you notice I don’t have any roommates. <br><br>When we sit down to eat you’ll likely notice a place setting across from you. That’s for the babysitter. She’s a bit picky, so I didn’t prepare any dessert for her but you’re more than welcome to have seconds. <br><br>I hear footsteps coming from upstairs, they’re probably just the twins. I adopted them from a remote island in the pacific. Their behavior isn’t exactly socially acceptable, so I don’t let them interact with people very much. <br><br>*The door bangs open behind us, a figure falls into the room. His skin is blue, his eyes wide. A knife is planted deep in his stomach. He lands on the floor. The figure is beheaded by a flying sword.*<br><br>Oh shit, I totally forgot to tell the sitter not to feed the dog people food. <br><br>You see, this batch of dog food I’ve made is designed to increase the dogs bloodlust by tenfold. <br><br>*The headless figure begins to twitch. The dog runs over to it and starts lapping up the blood around the headless corpse.*<br><br>Now don’t be alarmed, dogs don’t normally eat people. He’s just not feeling quite himself today. <br><br>You see, the dog is very sick, that’s why he wears that raincoat. The stains on it are just a product of his condition. <br><br>*The headless figure begins to move his arms, he somehow manages to stand up.*<br><br>We should head back to the dining room. When we finish eating, we can move to the living room for coffee. <br><br>You see the coffee maker is a bit of a conversation starter. It used to be my fiancé before.... well you’ll see. <br><br>I hear the sitter coming down the stairs. She was very beautiful before the accident. <br><br>*The sitter enters the room. Her eyes are caved in and replaced with two cups of pudding.*<br><br>Oh, there she is. <br><br>She’s very shy, so she doesn’t talk much. <br><br>*The headless figure walks into the dining room*<br><br>Oh shit, I totally forgot to tell the sitter not to feed the dog people food. <br><br>Don’t be alarmed when the sitter runs towards the headless figure with a knife. <br><br>*The sitter runs towards the headless figure with a knife. The dog runs over to her and bites down. Shortly after, the sitter falls to the floor, dead*<br><br>Well, let’s eat before the meal gets cold. <br><br>A figure enters the dining room, it’s my fiancé. His body is made entirely of coffee maker parts. <br><br>Hello dear. Don’t worry about the sitter. She was a bad influence on the dog, so I killed her. <br><br>The reason I invited you here tonight is because I think you may be the one. <br><br>*The figure from the beginning of the story enters the room. His skin is blue, his eyes wide. A knife is planted deep in his stomach. He falls to the floor.*<br><br>That’s why I made the extra place setting. <br><br>*The beheaded figure runs into the room holding his head, he cuts off the head of the coffee maker man with a sword. The head rolls towards you.*<br><br>You see, the head was asking for my hand in marriage. <br><br>I see you have the head in front of you. This could be an opportunity. Do you-<br><br>*The dog runs in and eats the head. The dog falls dead to the ground shortly after.*<br><br>Well there’s still time. Do you-<br><br>*The beheaded figure runs over to my chair and beheads me. My head rolls next to you.*<br><br>Well there it is. Now it’s up to you. It might be a little rotting from decay, but if you’re not picky, you can still make it work. <br><br>After all, I hear you’re desperate.