I let a man die next to me

I just have to tell somebody. I am heartbroken, I feel like it's my fault. My friend had a heart attack in front of me and I couldn't save him. There's a lot of people who are going to laugh at the end of this, and I get that. This isn't a normal situation. Just know that I am doing my best, please do not harass me.<br><br>I was at a party. It was an after party. Again, please do not harass me I am doing my best.<br><br>I was looking at a girl. She was hot. I could see up her skirt. I'm not going to tell you what she was doing, but she was in front of a crowd and let's just say she was doing it for everyone, not just the guy with his hands in her underwear.<br><br>My friend saw me watching the girl. This guy is well known to the community. I am going to call him M. Looking at him now, I can see his actions happened fast, but it did not feel that way when it happened. And I am glad that I can see it now. I don't blame myself as much for this.<br><br>He walked up to me. He was smiling. He said let's do lines. Oh, what can I say? He was a tempter. He knew what was up. He put a line in front of me. I snorted it. And he snorted a line next to it. I do not know how hard the drugs were, I just know they were the best I've ever done. Oh, what can I say? He was a tempter.<br><br>A few more lines later, and I'm feeling good. I am not thinking clearly. I am doing drugs. I am high. I do not know what happens next.<br><br>I am told this is what happened next. This is what my friend told me happened. I have no reason to doubt this.<br><br>I had more drugs. I believe there was an argument, though it may have just been him telling me no. But I did more drugs. I think a pill next, of something. It may have been cocaine powder in a pill. I have no way of knowing. But I took it anyway.<br><br>I am not sure what happened next. I do not know if it’s the drugs, but I am told I was starting to act strange next. I was losing my sense of truth or reality. I do not remember this.<br><br>Then of course, the inevitable happens. I am going to the bathroom. I am not sure how long I was in the bathroom. I am told 15 minutes to half an hour. But I am in the bathroom, doing drugs. I am not sure what drugs I was doing. It was probably cocaine. I could have had pills. I don't know.<br><br>At this point let me tell you, I am not a drug addict. But this guy was a tempter. I was not doing drugs earlier in the night. But then he did drugs in front of me, so I took them too.<br><br>I come out of the bathroom. I see M passed out on the floor. I am told this was 15 minutes after I came out of the bathroom. But when I saw him he was convulsing. At first, I thought he was joking. But then, realize he wasn't. So I get next to him. I can see the problem now, but I didn't realize this at the time of course.<br><br>I was trying to give him CPR. I was pushing on his chest and giving him breaths. But let me tell you, I was not in a state of mind to help anyone. My hands were shaking. I wasn't doing the CPR properly. I did not do the right ratio of breaths. I did not do the proper compressions. But I was at least doing CPR.<br><br>By now, someone else has seen us, and they are giving me help. They are calling 911. I am glad of this. When I was given help, I was told to tell them what drugs were in his system. I did not know what all the drugs were, but I was able to tell them a few.<br><br>At this point the paramedics are there. I am still doing CPR. I am told by the person who called 911, when the ambulances arrived, that the paramedics were surprised I was still doing CPR. But I just wanted to help. I was just trying to help my friend.<br><br>The paramedics take him out of the apartment and into the ambulance. I go with them. Again, I am not thinking clearly. But I want to stay with M.<br><br>On the way to the hospital, the paramedics are trying to save him. But I can see the problem. He is dead. When I was talking to the paramedics, the leader was a young woman. I think she was a trainee. She kept going through the motions. But she was not optimistic. I could see it in her eyes. When she talked to me, she was overly compassionate. But when she talked to the other two paramedics, I could see the grim reaper in her eyes.<br><br>We get to the hospital. We go into the emergency room. They let me in the room.<br><br>And of course, M dies. I was not surprised. But I am still in shock. I'm sitting in the emergency room. I can see his body. He is not moving. When I realized this, I just started crying. A nurse was comforting me. I just wanted my friend back. I have lost friends before, but never in front of me, never next to me. I don't know what he died of. It could have been an overdose. It could have been a heart attack. I think it was a heart attack, looking back at the situation. At the time, I thought it was an overdose of course.<br><br>I was in the emergency room for hours, just crying. I am still crying now. But I just want my friend back. I will miss this man. I will never forget him.<br><br>Edit: for those of you saying I'm an addict and I got what I deserved, please stop. I am not an addict. I was doing drugs for fun. I don't need help. But thank you for your concern. Again, please do not harass me. This is my only post on this account.