I let my boyfriend die in a terrible accident, and I've never forgiven myself

I met him in a coffee shop when I was thirteen, and I knew we were going to be together. Maybe I sensed it in his smile, the way his blue eyes seemed to sparkle as he talked, or maybe it was just a feeling that came to me as we sat next to each other in the quiet morning.<br><br>In the end, it didn’t matter. We fell for each other, and before I knew it, I was in love. Head over heels in love. I couldn’t even count how many times we hugged, or kissed in those lucky few days before Adam died.<br><br>It happened on a hot summer morning, not long after school was out. We were in my car, riding around the lake, enjoying the perfect day when Adam suggested we go to the beach. At first, I was hesitant – I didn’t want to go to the beach because Adam was a little bit bigger than me. I don’t know what he weighed - he didn’t want to tell me - and I felt uncomfortable around him when he was in a towel. Looking back, I suppose that was wrong. I knew it was wrong then, but I hoped he wouldn’t notice.<br><br>He didn’t notice, or at least, he didn’t say so. He was so sweet and kind to me, and he never once made me feel bad. We went to the beach, and I was feeling a little better as we walked onto the sand in our swimwear. I just hoped he wouldn’t get in the water. I didn’t think he could swim. I didn’t know if he could even wade.<br><br>The fear was unnecessary. We didn’t make it to the water, or even to his favorite spot near the big oak tree. As we were walking, I got a phone call, and when I answered it, I was distracted and didn’t notice the drop off just ahead of us. Adam was a little behind me, so when I took a step forward, I didn’t realize Adam was in the way.<br><br>In a moment that I will never forget, my foot landed on Adam’s chest, and I felt a sick feeling in my stomach. The fear was just starting to set in as I tried to take a step to Adam’s left, to correct myself. But it was too late. My foot slid forward, landing with my full weight on his head.<br><br>I remember screaming, and I remember falling to my feet, trying to get up and help Adam. But he was gone. I mean, I knew he was gone. He didn’t move, or even moan, and by the time I tried to call 911, he wasn’t breathing anymore.<br><br>I don’t know how much longer I was there, screaming and crying and trying to call Adam’s name. Eventually, someone found me, and they called 911 for Adam. But I knew he was dead. I think I hoped that he would come back to me, that maybe he was just sleeping, and he would wake up.<br><br>The paramedics came and they rushed Adam to the hospital. I think I went in the car with them, or maybe one of Adam’s parents drove me. I was feeling a little better by the time we arrived, and that was when the sadness hit me. Adam was dead. He wasn’t going to come back.<br><br>Adam’s parents took me home, and by the time I got there, my parents were there. I must have called them, but I didn’t remember doing so. They didn’t ask any questions, but they knew something was wrong. My mom hugged me and told me to go sit down. I sat down, and that was when the tears started falling.<br><br>I don’t know how long Adam’s parents were there. They kept asking me questions, and I kept answering them. I remember they gave me something to drink, but I don’t think I touched it. I was going crazy, and I knew it. I couldn’t stop crying, and my body was numb. I couldn’t feel anything below my chest. I looked at my legs, and I didn’t know if I was paralyzed or not. I didn’t care. Adam was gone, and I couldn’t function without him.<br><br>Eventually, I felt a little better. I still couldn’t stop crying, but eventually Adam’s parents left. They told me to call them later, and my parents drove me home. They didn’t say anything until we were in the car. “What happened?” my dad asked.<br><br>I tried to answer him, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t eat, or sleep, or do anything. I just felt empty. So empty that I couldn’t feel sadness anymore. But when they asked me what happened, I tried to explain it to them. I had been feeling Adam’s cock, and I didn’t notice the drop off in front of me. I tried to move forward, but Adam’s hand reached out and stopped me, and I felt a sick feeling in my stomach as I felt my foot land on his head.<br><br>My dad listened, and he looked at my mom. Both of them seemed confused. “Don’t you mean you fell on him?” my dad asked.<br><br>I shook my head. “I stepped on him!”<br><br>My mom was watching me, and I could see her thinking. But she didn’t say anything, and we drove the rest of the way home in silence. I was still crying, but just a little. Inside, I was screaming. I was screaming and screaming, and I couldn’t do anything. Adam was gone. That was it. He would never come back. He would never kiss me again, or hug me, or talk to me. He was gone, and it was my fault.<br><br>I went to bed that night, and I didn’t wake up for about a week. I woke up starving, and I went downstairs to eat. My parents seemed happy to see me up and around, but I didn’t care. Adam was gone. I had Adam on my mind until I fell asleep, and I woke up thinking of him. He was all I could think of.<br><br>It has been three years since Adam died, and I am still thinking of him. I know he’s not going to come back, and I’m never going to love again. There’s no point in living without Adam. Even now, I am crying. I am crying because Adam is gone, and I miss him. I miss him so much, and I know I will never stop missing him.<br><br>He was beautiful when he was alive, and he was even more beautiful in death. Even now, I remember the sight of his pale, blueish body strapped to the stretcher, his face twisted in pain. Even in death, his blue eyes looked intoxicating. He was beautiful, and I loved him. I will always love him.<br><br>In the end, it’s okay, I guess. I can’t stop crying, and I don’t want to. I miss Adam, and I will always miss him. I can’t see a world without him in it. Even now, I want to hug him, or kiss him, or just be with him. I want to be with Adam, because that’s what he deserves.<br><br>Adam died, but he will never die. He will always be in my heart, and I will always remember Adam. And that’s what I will do – remember Adam. I will never forget him. No matter how long he’s gone, I will always remember him, and I will always love him.<br><br>That’s why I’ve written this letter – because I want to explain everything. Because I want to tell people what happened, and how much I loved him. I want people to know Adam, to know how wonderful he was, and how much I loved him. I want people to know what a special man he was, and how much I love him, even in death.<br><br>And that’s why, I guess, I am going to end this letter. I have told everything Adam meant to me, and I couldn’t have been happier. I was in love with Adam, and I loved him more than anything. Even in death, I still do.