What do you do when you feel like disowning your own flesh and blood?

My youngest daughter is 18 and she has never done anything to make me proud. I don’t know why the hell she even bothers. She’s fat, dirty, smells like a dumpster and is just slightly more useless than all of the useless fucking strangers that have been pouring out of my birth canal throughout my life. <br><br>Okay so I know that sounds harsh, but let me explain. She is the only girl in the family and has two brothers and a twin sister but they’re polar opposites. Her sister is the complete opposite. She is skinny, well kept, she smells like she’s wrapped in cotton candy and she’s extremely intelligent as well as artistic. She’s an honor roll student and always on the right track. <br><br>My youngest daughter is dyslexic, autistic, and generally not a good student. She has a hard time finding her own way. She’s never been very good at it. She’s always very slow at everything she does. I know that doesn’t make her a horrible person or anything but I don’t know what to say. I’m just honestly, deep inside of myself, I don’t like her. I tolerate her because I have to but I will openly admit I do not treat her or her twin sister equally. The twin sister gets everything she wants, money, a smartphone, all of her favorite things I buy for her. My youngest daughter I deny her all of these things. She does not have a phone, she doesn’t have money. She doesn’t really get what she wants and I am just brutally honest with her in every way. You know, I don’t know what to say. I just tolerate her existence. I’m willing to admit that honestly. <br><br>My mom told me to take her to therapy because I think she might be depressed. I think she might be anxious. I think she might generally not be well. I think there’s something wrong with her deep inside of herself. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know why she is the way she is. I don’t know why she is so fucking useless. I don’t know why she can’t get her shit together. I don’t know why she can’t be a normal person. I don’t know why she can’t be my daughter. I don’t know why she can’t be like her twin sister. I don’t know why this is happening to me. <br><br>I don’t know how to get her help. I don’t want to. I don’t want to bother with her. I don’t wanna talk to her. I don’t want to spend anymore fucking time with her. I just don’t want to deal with her. I don’t want to be her mom. I don’t want to disown her but I want to. I just honestly don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to parent a child like this. I don’t know any advice. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel. I just don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.<br><br>Edit:<br><br>To those of you who messaged me and were really sweet and honestly fucking helpful I just want to say thank you so so so much. I am aware I am a terrible mother but i am going to try. I am going to try harder and I wanted to thank those who emailed me and gave me advice. Those of you who gave me advice and were kind I personally want to thank you. Thank you so so much. I am going to try to be a better person. I am going to try and be a better mother. I am aware I am a piece of shit. I know this. I am going to try to do better. I am going to try.