Just realized how fucked up the concept of suhana safar is.

I am around 16k km from home and this is the first time in many years I don’t have to take a flight back in after a week and I’m feeling rather empty.<br><br>I have no family to visit. I am not going home for Holiday. I have been doing this since I was 14 years old. My whatever family I have are distributed at different parts of India and I can’t go to any of them for any occasion. So much so that I have never even been to any of them for Diwali.<br><br>I see people in cities where they have their family and friends. No one goes to Ajmer to visit dargah and Diwan-e-Khas and I don’t see suhana safar on those billboards inviting people to do so. Yet as a middle class Hindu whose family is so unaffordable for him that he has never visited them on Diwali once, I am all but a concept of myth and UFOs.<br><br>I am so afraid of being alone. I get physically sick thinking about spending my entire life within the four walls of my home in a city after a point of time. I am so scared of being alone. I wish I were born to a family that loved me and was worthy of inviting me to their homes on the occasion of Diwali and I wish I were able to afford to fly to the only place I can call home.<br><br>I am so fucking broken. All I can do is cry and cry and cry in the middle of an unknown city just because I am celebrating Diwali on google meet. I am so afraid of the concept of loneliness and all I know is that if I need to have a Diwali dinner then I will have to pay 1,500 rupees for it and it doesn’t matter whether I stay at home with a packet of Maggi noodles or go out.<br><br>I am afraid to be alone. I am afraid of being so unaffordable that I have to cry on Diwali and get misty eyes when people invite me over and I invite them over and I wish I were also able to invite them when I were not living in this shit hole of a place in which I have no choice but to. I am scared of being alone for the rest of my life. Diwali just doesn’t feel so bright and so full of joy.”