I was an incest porn addict

Been 3 years since I ended up quitting. You never think it’s gonna happen to you until you find yourself some night wanting to fold yourself into a sheet and fucking cry. I would lie to myself thinking I could handle it, that I could come out the other side. That it was different this time. I would come out every few weeks in new ways and new angles and it would bring me down. <br><br>I would sit for hours before I realized I had spent that long, down the rabbit hole of cumming and jerking and spilling my seed. All of the times I would look back and think, “I should have stopped.” That I should have taken my life into my own hands, that I should have been the person to stop myself. But I never was. It was always the other way around. I would have to tell myself to stop, would have to remind myself that I’m not doing anything good. <br><br>I would sit in bed and I would get the urge to touch myself. I would try to distract myself, to focus on a task. I knew that once I started I couldn’t stop. I would want to do it again and again, and it would come at the expense of everything else. It was so hard to resist, harder every time. <br><br>It came at the expense of everything else. I would forget to eat, would forget to confront my depression. I would leave my room a wreck, would forget to shave and shower. I would forget my own humanity, would forget myself. Forget that I didn’t have to be stuck in this. <br><br>I would sit and I would lie to myself. I didn’t care anymore. I would lie to myself, telling myself I didn’t need to stop. That I was in control. I would lie to myself, telling myself I didn’t need to be stopped. That I could do it again and again and I would never get trapped. I would lie to myself. I would lie and I would lie and I would lie. <br><br>It hit rock bottom one night. It was the night before my friend was gonna come into town and we were gonna come out, and I felt so guilty. I didn’t want to tell them. I felt ashamed, I felt disgusted. I didn’t wanna admit it to myself, admit that I did this. I would watch it all night, I would sit and I would watch. I wouldn’t touch myself, but I would sit there. I would want to touch myself, I would want to jerk myself. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I would just sit. I would just sit and watch. <br><br>I couldn’t stop. I didn’t wanna stop. I didn’t wanna admit to myself that I needed to stop. That I needed help. <br><br>I would sit down and I would think, “I can stop at any time.” That I didn’t have to do this, that I could stop whenever I wanted to. I didn’t wanna stop. I felt so ashamed. I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I didn’t want to admit I indulged in it. <br><br>I would lie to myself, telling myself I didn’t have to do it. That I didn’t have to indulge. I would lie, I would lie and I would lie. I would lie to myself, about the way I felt. I would lie to myself, about the things I did. I didn’t wanna admit it. I would lie. <br><br>I didn’t want to come clean. I didn’t want to tell people. I didn’t want to admit it to myself, that I needed help. I would lie, I would lie to cover up the lies I lied. I would sit down and I would think, “I am in control.” That I could stop when I want, that I didn’t have to do it. I was lying to myself. I didn’t want to admit it to myself. <br><br>I never did. I never did. I never did.<br><br>I never stopped. Never once. Never. <br><br>I couldn’t stop. I didn’t wanna stop. I didn’t wanna admit it to myself, that I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop.<br><br>I couldn’t stop. <br><br>I couldn’t stop. I would lie and I would lie and I would lie. I would sit down and I would think, “I didn’t have to.” That I didn’t need to do this. I would lie to myself. I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I didn’t wanna admit it. I didn’t want to admit it to myself, that I couldn’t stop. That I couldn’t stop. <br><br>I couldn’t stop. I sat down and I told myself I couldn’t stop. I lied, I lied to myself. I told myself I wanted to stop. I told myself I wanted to stop, that I didn’t wanna do it anymore. I lied. I lied and I lied and I lied. I lied to myself, telling myself I didn’t wanna stop. I lied to myself, telling myself I didn’t have to stop.<br><br>That I was in control.<br><br>I lied and I lied and I lied. I lied to myself, and I lied to myself. I lied to myself, and I lied to myself again. I lied to myself and I lied and I lied and I lied. I lied and I lied and I lied and I lied. I lied. I lied to myself. I lied to myself.<br><br>I lied to myself again and again and again and I lied to myself again and I lied to myself again. I lied and I lied and I lied. I lied and I lied and I lied. I lied and I lied and I lied and I lied. I lied and I lied and I lied. I lied and I lied and I lied and I lied and I lied and I lied. I lied and I lied and I lied and I lied and I lied. I lied and I lied and I lied and I lied and I lied. I lied. <br><br>I lied to myself. I lied to myself again and again and again and again and again and again. I lied to myself again and again and again and again. I lied to myself again and again and again and again. I lied to myself again and again. I lied to myself, and I lied to myself again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again. I lied and I lied. I lied. I lied to myself. <br><br>I lied and I lied. I lied to myself. I lied. I lied to myself again. I lied and I lied and I lied and I lied and I lied and I lied. I lied to myself again and again and again and again and again. I lied again and again and again and again and again. I lied. I lied to myself again and again. I lied and I lied again and again. I lied. I lied and I lied. I lied to myself again and again and again. I lied again and again. I lied and I lied. I lied and I lied. I lied and I lied and I lied. 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