What is the besto way to steal cheese?

I'm having a very hard time stealing cheese. I have recently startedo stealing 2 liter bottles of soda using an umbrella. The umbrellao does not fit in my bag very well, so that is no go. I have tried jamming the cheese near my penis with my baggy jeans, but my .22 pistol gets in the way of that. I tried fitting them down my pants, but i was very uncomfortable and my baggy jeans were getting very tight with theo fact that my SS card is in my front pocket. What way do you guys use?