it’s me, unfortunately my mother always thought of me as a daughter

maybe i’m just in denial about it, or maybe i just don’t want to accept it, but i was born a boy and now i’m starting to feel like a girl.<br><br>two years ago i started a disco dance club with my mother. she invited my cousin to join the club as well.<br><br>so that i could drive my cousin home, my parents allowed me to drive from the age of 14. i didn’t know that my cousin was already on the wrong path. however, it was always done with his consent, and my cousin always accompanied me to these things.<br><br>at the beginning it was only hash, then weed, then pills and ecstasy. they didn’t make me feel uncomfortable, because they were used to it. i was 15 when they unfortunately started transferring to coke. my heart started racing and i became very sensitive.<br><br>i could feel my heart beating in every part of my body. i was in a great deal of pain and i felt like i was going to make a fool of myself. my cousin didn’t say anything, but i could unfortunately tell what he was thinking. he looked at me with compassion and was afraid to say something.<br><br>one day i wanted to tell my mother that i couldn’t bear it anymore. but i wanted to say no. disco was like salvation for me, and i didn’t dare to give it up. now i regret it.<br><br>at some point i was over and i couldn’t bear it anymore. i didn’t want to be a victim anymore. however, i always felt like i was a burden to others. i became tired and wanted to escape the stress. it wasn’t like that at first, but a friend of mine taught me what men do when they think about women. i was also attracted to his sister. i was disgusted by it.<br><br>it was all just a game until i couldn’t stand it anymore. i started using it more and more. soon i couldn’t imagine my life without it. but it hurt and didn’t feel like a man.<br><br>at some point i couldn’t take it anymore. i started letting myself go and wiggling my hips in front of my cousin. he tried to make me feel comfortable, but it didn’t work. he told me that i looked very good, but i didn’t want to hear it. i just wanted to be left alone.<br><br>i kept doing it, because i thought it would help me feel less stressed and i could forget everything for a little while. but it only made me feel worse. slowly but surely i started to feel like a woman. i still don’t like it, because i want to be a man. i feel like i’m not myself anymore, and unfortunately my mother always thought of me as a daughter.<br><br>at the moment i’m afraid of my cousin, because i know that he doesn’t like it. but i don’t care unfortunately, i just want to feel comfortable.<br><br>it’s always done with his consent, because he always keeps the club in the background. but i’m afraid that it will change soon. i don’t know if he still wants to be friends with me. i’m trying to keep it a secret, but i’m afraid that i won’t be able to bear it anymore.