Why is it so hard for me to ask my brother to fuck me?

My brother (22m) and I (19f) are in the same bed with my laptop between us. We've been sitting here for hours watching youtube videos in silence because I'm too scared to ask him the question I've wanted to ask for a long time. I've literally written out a whole script for how this conversation should go so I don't mess it up, but I just can't bring myself to say anything to him.<br><br>I just want to be with him so badly.<br><br>Why is this so hard for you!<br><br><br>EDIT: I'm back home and I'm too scared to talk to my bro. I'm just going to go to bed.<br><br>EDIT AGAIN: I'm in my bed not sleeping thinking about all the things I should have said to him earlier. I'm just going to send him all the videos I've saved, and a list of the things I want to do with him. I want him to know I've been thinking of him in this way for as long as I can remember. I'm going to tell him everything. I've literally written everything out. I'm just going to put my phone in his room and hopefully he'll read my letter when he gets back.<br><br>EDIT FOR THE LAST TIME (probably): I went upto my room and could not bring myself to do anything. I'm just going to go to sleep with my phone. Hopefully I'll be braver.<br><br>LAST UPDATE (hopefully): I literally did nothing and went to sleep.<br><br>LAST UPDATE EVER: I haven't done anything yet, and I'm going back home in a couple of days. I know I still have time, but I just feel defeated. I've been thinking about doing this for literal years, and at no point have I tried anything. I'm going to go home and just give up.<br><br>LAST UPDATE EVER AGAIN: I talked to my bro and I feel defeated. I feel like I should give up. I've literally been thinking about this for years, and I've never made any attempt to do anything. I don't even know why I've been thinking about this for so long, why I've put myself through unnecessary pain when I know nothing will happen.