Mother daughter incest story: I'm a 35 year old daughter, I refuse to trust my own mother with my two daughters

Hello everyone, I'm 35 and I have two daughters aged 11 and 8. My dad cheated on my mom back in the 90's and then she kept him in the doghouse for years, this was the reason I grew up without a father figure. In the 90's it was taboo to be a single mother so she kept me close for comfort. I was never allowed to have sleepovers at my friends' houses, or go to the church (which I never believed in anyway), go to the movies etc. She always used to say that I should be careful with men because they would take advantage of me. One night she was lying in bed with me, I think she wanted to comfort me because I was upset about something (not sure). She took my hands down her pants and started rubbing her vagina with my hands while laughing. I was around 9 or 10 years. She did this several times but as I grew older, she'd do it less and less. She never let me forget about how much I loved being with her and how much she cared about me. In my teens she'd walk around the house naked, I'd see her in the tub when I went to the bathroom, I'd catch her masturbating (oh and the noises she'd make), she'd let me take baths with her and she'd say "do you see how much hair I have down here? One day you'll be like me". I think all of this is why I didn't start dating boys until I was 18. I started college, dated, had my first kiss, first time having sex etc. My mom was furious when I told her I lost my virginity. She said she was disappointed, that I was too young, that I couldn't trust anyone else but her because I was her only treasure, her diamond. Way to make a girl feel uncomfortable... she never liked any of my boyfriends and she didn't like my husband either. I got pregnant with my first daughter at 25 and then my second daughter was born when I was 29. Way to make a girl feel uncomfortable even more... she never liked any of my boyfriends and she didn't like my husband either. I got pregnant with my first daughter at 25 and then my second daughter was born when I was 29.\*<br><br>I've written this whole post just to say that I will never let her close to my daughters, I refuse to let her near them. I will forever doubt that she won't touch them or do anything weird to them. I don't want her to influence them with her fucked up mind. When my mom comes to visit, she always gives them weird looks, like sizing them up, like she's planning to do something. I don't trust her and I don't want her around. This is my only treasure, this is my only diamond, and I won't let anyone close to them. I know I've written this whole post just to say this... but I feel better, I feel like I've taken a weight off my shoulders because I finally wrote this out, even if no one reads it. If my husband finds out he'll probably think I'm crazy but I know I'm not. I wrote all of this in 15 minutes while imagining all of the other things she'd done. I'm actually imagining more as I finish this post.<br><br>\*This was the original post I wrote in 15 minutes. Now I'm back to add some more. I didn't know this sub existed, I posted on r/confession and my post got removed (oh well). I've been reading a lot of the posts on this sub and I felt like adding more. I'm sobbing right now while writing this... <br><br>I'm not comfortable talking about this with anyone, especially my husband. I don't know how he'll react... I know he'll take my side and he'll be protective but I don't think he'll understand how I feel. I've been reading a lot on this sub and it hurts to see people hurt. It actually hurts, it pierces me. When I was around 9 or 10 I remember my mom saying "I love you more than you love yourself" which is fucked up. Back then I was young and naive and I didn't think anything of it. Now I realize how fucked up that was. I'm starting to not care about myself because I care so much about protecting my daughters. I've always felt like I was alone but now I know I'm not. I've been reading so many stories and I feel so terrible for these people (not just women but men too), I feel terrible for their pain. I feel terrible for their hurt. I want to hug them all. If I could hug them all, I would. I want to protect all of the innocent children out there. I want to protect my daughters with my life, I'd die for them. I'd do anything for them, anything. I don't care about myself, I care about them. And for some fucked up reason, I still love my mother but I know she's toxic as hell. When I was 13 I remember her saying that I was "the love of her life". At the time I thought she was just being sweet but now I realize how fucked up that was. I don't know if my mom ever had sex with a man or not, but the weird thing is that she's always been super uncomfortable around men. I don't know, maybe she's gay or bi, or maybe she's just sexually repressed. I don't know. I think it's fucked up how much she's influenced me, even as an adult. Even as a mother myself, I still don't see myself as a grown woman, I still see myself as her daughter. And it hurts. It hurts a lot. I'm trying my hardest to be strong for my daughters but it hurts. I know it's too late for me, I can't go back in time but I can go forward. I will protect my daughters with my life.<br><br>EDIT: I'm currently reading the post from u/Falsewitz and I want to say thank you for replying. Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm crying while reading this post and all of the comments. I want to hug everyone and tell them how strong they are, how much I admire them. I'm not a good writer but I want to say thank you. Thank you so much. I feel your pain, I feel your hurt, I feel everything.