I knew it was wrong, but I didn't know how wrong until now

Not sure what to say other than that this is a long story that took place many years ago.<br><br>I grew up in a steeply impoverished single parent home. We moved around a lot and I never really got to have any friends. I had to move out the day after I turned 17, because my mother and I didn't get along, and I had saved up just enough to make the move to Idaho to live with my grandmother.<br><br>That fall, I got a job and was finally able to rent a single-wide trailer. It was at the end of a row of other mobile homes, in the middle of a big farm.<br><br>The previous owner of the place had been a bit of a hoarder. There were boxes upon boxes of all kinds of stuff, I had no idea what I was in for.<br><br>One of the other residents there, she was the woman who lived in the trailer next door, was named Cathie. She was an alcoholic and had two kids about my age, a boy and a girl. I was just barely 17 at the time and lonely, so I had no problem going over to hang out and drink with her.<br><br>I was pretty small for a guy, and always dressed masculine, so the kids didn't know what to make of me. They would call me "she" sometimes, and I just kind of went with it. It really didn't matter to me if they thought I was a girl. I was just feeling happy that I actually had people I could hang out with.<br><br>I was very socially awkward, and I knew it. I was always a little afraid that the kids would figure out that I liked guys, and then they wouldn't want to hang out any more. So I kept up a bit of a ruse, I let the girl think I was into her, and I let the boy think I was into his mom.<br><br>It was the single most fucked up thing I ever did in my life.<br><br>I wasn't into his mom, I didn't even like her that much, but I kept up the act just so that I wouldn't be alone. I never said anything to her, but she would flirt with me sometimes.<br><br>Then one day, she told me that she knew exactly what I was doing. She said she didn't mind, as long as I would do things for her. And then she told me things she wanted me to do.<br><br>*I'm not going to tell you what she asked me to do*, other than to say that I didn't do it. She was asking me to do things that were wrong, and at the time I didn't fully understand why they were wrong or how wrong they would be.<br><br>The reason I'm writing this right now is that I just found out that her son is now in prison for a child sex offense. This makes me sick. I can't help but wonder if she made him do the things she asked me to do.<br><br>I am gutted by guilt. I realize now that I should have called the authorities. I should have told someone. I was so blinded by my own desire to not be lonely that I didn't do anything to help the kids.<br><br>I know that I should have done things differently. I'm not asking for forgiveness.