I am a Resident Doctor in Psychiatry at a hospital-based facility in India. I have been posted to the deaddiction centre of the hospital for last 6 months. I confess I have been high on weed as many times as I have advised my patients against it.

I am not glorifying any drug here, neither do I intend to hurt or demean the feelings of my patients and friends who have been suffering from substance use disorder. <br><br> I have been a passive smoker from 13 years of age. Mostly I used to get high to get rid of my sleep and anxiety issues. I have been a weed smoker for most of my life, with a few failures in life it became my daily habit. The weed was readily available in my hostel and I had friends who would take it daily. <br><br>I started taking it more as I found it more relaxing than my friends. With time, my frequency increased. Somehow I was able to do well in my studies and I was admitted to the medical school with the grace of God. I stopped taking it two years before my entrance exam and I was able to do well in college. It was more of my willpower and hardwork, I was a student and therefore I could not afford it. When I was in final year I used to think the cooling joints (group of people who would take it together) after I joined the residency.<br><br>I got weed from my friends who would come and meet me at the hospital sometimes. I used to keep it hidden in my dorm and I was able to keep it secret even from my closest of friends. With time, my frequency increased. Since I was on night shifts it was easier for me to get high in the night and sleep.<br><br>One day I got posted to the deaddiction centre. It was an irony that I was a smoker and I took class on harm reduction. With time, I made more friends in the hospital and I was able to get the weed delivered to me daily. I used to keep it secret but my colleagues started to doubt.<br><br>I stopped taking it a month ago because I felt I was losing control of my life. I was more of a weed junkie than my patients. I was addicted to it and I used to find excuses daily to take it. Now I am afraid of going back to it because I know how badly I can screw up. I am still in process of recovery and I hope it doesn’t affect my career.<br><br>For everyone out there who is struggling with substance use disorder, I feel your pain and I know how much difficult it is overcome it. I am personally working on my mental health and I want to live a healthy life. It is possible to overcome it and come out stronger. Do not lose hope.<br><br>Edit : I am not making it out to be a victim-less crime. I can identify the struggle of addiction and I was trying to describe it from my perspective. I know drugs cause a lot of problems and it has affected my life gravely. I am not glorifying it.<br><br>Edit 2 : I just feel the need to say that I wasn’t stoned while taking care of my patients. It is much more difficult to take good care of your patients when you are high than when you are sober.<br><br>Edit 3 : I am overwhelmed by the amount of responses and advice that I have received. I am personally working on my mental health and I am taking professional help as well. I have no control over my patients taking drugs, I can advise them to stay clean and most of them take my advice seriously. I have learned a lot from your comments and I appreciate it.<br><br>Edit 4: I am not ashamed of it. It is my life and I have gone through a lot. I feel bad for my patients who are struggling and I hope they recover.<br><br>Edit 5: I did not intend to hurt anyone's feelings or suck their hopes away from recovery. I am sorry if I did that. I am human too.<br><br>Edit 6: I am personally working on my mental health and taking professional help as well. I am also trying to adopt healthier alternatives and hobbies to spend my free time.<br><br>Edit 7: I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. But I am not gonna delete my post. I wrote it because I wanted to speak my mind. I wanted to tell everyone my experience.